The Way Out
by SilverStars14
Summary: "What makes Four interesting as a character is the wall he puts up between himself and other people." — th; "And in that moment, she reminds me of myself." (Ch2); "I like her too much. There, I said it. But I won't say it again." (Ch10); "I like that she doesn't like showing weakness because then I feel like we match." (Ch16) ; The story of Divergent— narrated entirely by Four.
1. The Storm Before the Storm

A/N: I know we've all read Four and we all know how Tobias thinks, but for me, I want to write the entire Divergent Trilogy from Tobias's point of view, every scene, every detail from the moment fate begins to draw him and Tris together, something as long as the original books itself, because I love Tobias, and _this,_ is where I start. This is where I introduce you to Tobias as _I_ understand him and I hope to hell you like my Tobias, because I am absolutely in love with him.

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Veronica Anne Roth.

* * *

 _Prologue-_  
 _The Storm Before the Storm_

Today is the day they administer the aptitude tests. I know, because tomorrow is the day of the choosing ceremony. The day when I will, once again try to forget the look of utter loathing on my father's face two years ago when I decided to betray him and my old faction, as I wait for the initiates with Lauren and a few other Dauntless at the compound entrance. I try to convince myself, that I didn't really betray them, that they- he forced me to leave with his actions but then I remember the look on his face and all logic goes tumbling away. When I came to Dauntless I was prepared to overcome my fears. But if there's something I've learnt it's that you can hold your fears at bay, but you can't get rid of them, ever. I still stay away from the choosing ceremony year after year. I still stay away from the zip-lining. I stay away from the aptitude tests declining multiple requests to administer them. In fact, I avoid anything to do with my old faction. I could face up and do those things, but then again, I can't. Those fears are so deep-rooted in me. Even the Dauntless legend, Four isn't fearless. I guess he's even _more_ afraid than most other people. Afraid of _himself_.

I'm walking to the control room for my evening shift when I see the train bringing back the kids from school. I can't help but notice that some of them look pale and worried as they make the ever-so-familiar jump off the train and walk back to wherever they live. Even from a distance I can tell which of them are thinking about transferring factions tomorrow. I can tell by the looks on their faces, because that's the same look I once wore on _my_ face.

Sometimes I feel like it's been decades since I came here, I can't imagine a life where I wasn't Dauntless. And other times it feels like it was just a few days ago that I was a slim, pale-faced Abnegation, cowering before the shadow of my father. But, it's close to the Choosing Ceremony when it feels like the least time has passed.

* * *

A/N: Deep and dark and struggling with himself; but I promise, that's not the only side of Tobias you'll get to see

It's only one chapter yet, I _know_ , but reviews, reviews, reviews, spare me two minutes of your time guys please!

Love,  
SilverStars


	2. Welcome to Dauntless

A/N: It's wonderful to be unraveling the wall that Four puts ub between himself and others bit by bit. Also thank a lot y'all for the encouragement; Chapters to come will be longer and more exciting I promise.

Disclaimer: All Characters belong to Veronica A. Roth.

* * *

 _Chapter 2-  
Welcome to Dauntless_

I remember the day of my Choosing Ceremony like it was yesterday. But I read once that every time you replay a memory in your head, you alter it bit by bit. Which means that the vision I have now of the day, could be far different from what actually happened. One thing's a constant though. I let my blood drip over the hot coals. Every single time, I choose to be Dauntless. And every single time I look back to see the look on my father's face, and then wish I hadn't.

I hear the train rumbling past the rooftop ledge seven stories above me. Inside somewhere, preparing to jump (or not) are any number of faction transfers, half of them who will be factionless even if they manage to survive. It's one of the worst changes Eric and the other leaders have made this year. Dauntless initiation is hard enough without having to worry about surviving and being factionless. I know that I'm supposed to enjoy, revel in the fear that this news will spread amongst the initiates but I just can't. This faction has become a mould, just like my former one, trying to force me into something I'm not. _I found friends here_ , I remind myself, but somehow it doesn't feel like enough. I know that I'm going to leave soon. _One more batch_ , I decide. _See this batch of initiates through. Then it's time to leave the place you don't belong in anymore._

I wait. Any second now the first jumper will come tumbling down. A transfer it must be, another change introduced this year. One of the few that doesn't involve permanently damaging someone's life. Or well, I suppose, you could have a heart attack on the way down. I smile a little at that, remembering the first time I made that plunge. I was never really a fan of heights, but it made me feel powerful. There's something about making it into the Dauntless compound, even if it's just the beginning of initiation, the fact that you made it that far, it's enough to let you know you belong.

I almost can't believe my eyes when I see a mass of grey streak into the net. My first thought is _Abnegation_ _transfer?_ My second – _Abnegation transfer the first jumper?_ I've avoided Stiffs for so long but it seems like I'm not going to be able to avoid this one. _She's just a stupid initiate who won't know you're from Abnegation too, you treat her just like the rest_ , I chide myself. I reach out my hand along with several others to help her out. She grabs it and pulls herself up, and the thin frail frame she has, stumbles. I act on reflex, catching her by the arms to steady her and that's when I see her face for the first time. I wouldn't describe her as pretty, but there is _something_ in her face that stands out to me. I'm thinking about how to describe it when I remember where we are. I quickly release my grip on her. Thankfully, she seems to not have noticed anything unusual. I guess initiates have a lot more on their minds.

"Thank you," she says.

I nod but Lauren behind me has already started voicing out my very first thoughts, "Can't believe it. A Stiff, the first to jump? Unheard of." I know that she's smirking the same as I know the Stiff is gaping at her eyebrow rings.

Lauren's always been too proud of her Dauntless born initiates. "There's a reason why she left them, Lauren," I say, good naturedly, but with a pointed glance at her. I turn to the girl. "What's your name?" I ask.

"Um…" She hesitates for a second. And in that moment she reminds me of myself as I stood in her place two years ago, wanting to leave behind my old identity and my old name, but not entirely ready to let go of my old faction. Amar, my initiation instructor understood my reasons for not wanting to be known as Marcus Eaton's son and offered me a way out. So I think about offering her one. Out of the qualities of all the factions that I try to imbibe in myself, I find kindness the hardest, but today it comes to me easily.

"Think about it," I say, a faint smile on my lips. "You don't get to pick again."

I see the excitement and relief on her face while she ponders for a minute and then says firmly, "Tris."

"Tris," echoes Lauren, grinning. I can tell she like the firmness. "Make the announcement, Four."

Four. That's the nickname Amar gave me. The new identity, the new person I built for myself, after I escaped my confinement.

I look over my shoulder and declare, "First jumper- Tris."

The crowd pumps and cheers behind me. I can tell, the girl- Tris- is a little excited by the Dauntless vigor and bravado. I smile just as another girl drops into the net. Tris may be thin and frail, but she belongs here in the ways that matter, in the ways that only I seem to care about nowadays. Ignoring the laughter and yells of the surrounding crowd, I clap my hand on her back and say, "Welcome to Dauntless."

* * *

A/N: Just the beginning of everything; but my heart is already aching for Tris and Tobias to get together!

Love,  
SilverStars


	3. Transfers

A/N: She's right in front of him, the person he needs and he can't see it; not just yet.

* * *

 _Chapter 3- Transfers_

When all the initiates finish making the jump, Lauren and I lead them down the stone tunnel, familiar even though I use it so rarely. The place is beautiful and perfect for the entrance into the heart of the Dauntless compound. It's lit only at long intervals- most of it plunged into eerie darkness. I've never been afraid of the dark; I enjoy the quiet descent, there's something about the dark that amplifies the silence, making it more powerful and I love it.

We reach the end of the tunnel in due time, it's light once again and Lauren breaks the silence. "This is where we divide," she says loud and clear. "The Dauntless born initiates are with me. I assume _you_ don't need a tour of the place." She throws me a pointed glance, I roll my eyes. Then she smiles and beckons her initiates forward and disappears down another passageway.

Nine transfers remain. No Amity, the Stiff and the rest Candor and Erudite. I face them and introduce myself shortly. "Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor. My name is Four."

I pretend not to notice the wide-eyes and curious glances I receive when I announce my name but I can't help but notice the Stiff's eyebrows go up as well. Curiosity isn't as foreign to her as it should be.

A Candor girl is the first to speak up. "Four, like the number?"

 _Obviously._ I should be hearing this question more often but most of the Dauntless know where I get the nickname from- Four, four fears. I'm somewhat of a legend here, and I know it and everyone knows it, but I hate it because I'd rather have twenty fears, than have _my_ four. It's one of the things I like about transfers, they don't know about my reputation, at least not yet.

"Yes," I say calmly. "Is there a problem?"

"No."

"Good." I turn my attention away from her. "We're about to go into the Pit, which you will someday learn to love. It-"

The Candor girl pipes up again. "The Pit? Clever name."

That's it. I may not want them to view me as a legend, but I'm not going to stand being interrupted. I need to put her in her place. I try not to intimidate people around me, but I know how to command respect and authority, one of the things I learnt from my father, I suppose.

I walk up to her, lean close and simply stare at her for a second. "What's your name?" I ask, just loud enough to be audible.

I don't need to yell to intimidate people. The Erudite in me tells me that quiet words work better.

"Christina," she squeaks.

"Well Christina," I say slowly, in the same quiet but harsh tone. "If I wanted to put up with Candor smart-mouths, I would have joined their faction. The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?"

She nods timidly.

They follow me as I set off again, quieter than before. I scared them all to some extent. _They're just initiates anyways; I don't care what they think of me._

I push the double doors open into the Pit, full of Dauntless chaos. I see their wide smiles and enthusiastic looks and smile a little to myself. I let them admire their fill and then move on. "If you follow me, I'll show you the chasm."

I never really liked the chasm when I first got here. Fear of heights and all that. But I've come to see what the Dauntless see in it. The sound of roaring water drowning everything else out, and the adrenaline that surges through you, knowing that one wrong step and you could fall and die. There's a beauty to it, like there is to almost everything in Dauntless. "The chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy," I tell them all. _Lines that have gotten more blurred since I came here._ "A daredevil jump off this ledge will end your life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You've been warned."

I finish my little tour by leading them to the dining hall and then leave them to cheers and applause as they walk in.

I'm already settled at my table when the Stiff slips into a seat beside me. I watch her pick up the hamburger and pinch it between her fingers uncertainly. A small laugh rises in me, along with a little recollection of Zeke telling me what a hamburger is.

I nudge her with my elbow. "It's beef," I say. "Put this on it." I pass her the bowl of ketchup.

"You've never seen a hamburger before?'' her friend-the Candor girl asks.

"No," she says. "Is that what's it's called?"

"Abnegation eat plain food," I offer. I don't know what's come over me or why I'm being so friendly with them, especially the Stiff.

Christina smirks. "No wonder you left."

"Yeah," she says rolling her eyes. "It was just because of the food."

This time the laugh rises to my lips before I can stop it. I envy her a little, for being able to talk about her transfer so casually but it also makes me wonder, _what could be the reason behind the second Abnegation- Dauntless transfer in over a decade?_

Just then Eric shows up, I can tell it's him just by his footsteps behind me, and my body tenses. I try to hide it so that the initiates don't see. I can tell they're observing me. Eric drops into the seat on my other side.

"What have you been doing lately, Four?" he asks.

"Nothing, really," I say, trying to sound as casual as possible, but my mind drifts to a hundred other things- has he found out I've been spying on the Erudite visitors from the control room or that I've been looking at their private files or-

"Max tells me he keeps trying to meet with you, and you don't show up," Eric says. "He requested that I find out what's going on with you."

I look at Eric for a few seconds while I contemplate my options. If Max sent Eric here to find out what's going on, he must really be desperate to meet with me. But Max is a leader and I can't give him a reason without being respectful. As much as I don't want to tell Eric that Max is trying to recruit me- because I know he'll take out his jealousy on the initiates- I see no other choice.

"Tell him that I am satisfied with the position I currently hold."

"So he wants to give you a job," jumps up Eric quickly.

"So it would seem," I say, trying to avoid any coldness.

"And you aren't interested?" He's hopeful.

"I haven't been interested for two years."

Eric doesn't do that great of a job of hiding his relief and happiness. "Well, let's hope he gets the point then," he says and claps my shoulder and leaves.

I breathe again. I hate that being around Eric makes me tense when I beat him in our own initiation but then, he has the power to control everything and I do not. And I chose it so.

"Are you two… friends?" the Stiff asks me.

Friends is an interesting term for it. "We were in the same initiate class," I say, the best explanation I can come up with. "He transferred from Erudite."

"Were you a transfer too?"

The question is casual, but it snaps something inside me. The fear of my old identity I was talking about. I try to stop it, but it makes me cold. "I thought I would only have trouble with the Candor asking too many questions. Now I've got Stiffs, too?"

"It must be because you're so approachable," she says flatly. "You know, like a bed of nails."

I ignore her sarcasm and glare at her but she isn't like her friend; she stares right back. She's not intimidated, instead she's putting up a fight.

There's something different about her, like she's challenging me and surprisingly, I'm not scaring the shit out of her for doing it. And if there's something different about her and the Dauntless leaders see it, they'll start keeping an eye on her. And I know from experience, everyone they're suspicious of ends up dead sooner or later- except me because I'm smart enough to avoid them.

And I don't know why, but the thought of Eric hurting her sends a hollow feeling down into the pit of my stomach. It's almost like I'm feeling... _protective_ towards her. _It's because they're your initiates and you're responsible for them._

"Careful, Tris," I warn, without knowing what she'll make of it.

Just then Shauna calls my name from another table and I go over to join her and Zeke, glad for the excuse to walk away.

After dinner I decline Zeke's offer to hang out by the chasm because he and Shauna have a thing going on anyway and I'd be the third wheel since Lauren's not joining us today. Plus I know that if Eric sees me, he'll make me be there when he tells the initiates that almost half of them will end up factionless, just to rub it in my face that he gets to decide this and because he knows I hate it- the dread he spreads and the way he traffics in terror. Instead, I take a short walk around the compound to clear my head and before I know it, I find myself on my fifth round already. It's nightfall and everyone has had a long day, leaving the streets nearly empty but silence never bothered me; on the contrary, it helps me gather my thoughts. It's why I chose to live alone.

I pass by the transfers' dormitory and through the stillness, I can hear faint sobs. Crying is a sign of weakness- that's what they teach us here but I can't bring myself to hold it against them for releasing their emotions even though I've never been a crier myself. I'm going back to my apartment when I hear another set of sobs from an open window on the third floor as I walk past the building. It's a woman's voice and when I stop and stand really still, I can hear someone in the same room comforting her. _It's none of my business_. I force myself to move on, but my thoughts stay there. It doesn't take a genius to guess what she was crying about. _I know_ it's none of my business but listening to that sound pierces my heart.

I can't help but wonder if my father ever cried after I switched factions and left him.

* * *

A/N: I'm so excited to get to the later parts but I'm also really trying not to rush through these initial ones because they're so important to why Tris and Tobias's relationship is so meaningful.

Also guys please let me know if that chapter was too long, I was just trying to wrap it off with a conclusive ending scene.


	4. Guns, Punches and the Stiff

A/N: I see the start of a little something that starts out as a small, deniable liking to become something so much more; my heart is melting for Four already.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters (even though I love them so much).

* * *

 _Chapter 4-  
_ _Guns, Punches and the Stiff_

"The first thing you will learn today is how to shoot a gun. The second thing is how to win a fight."

I woke up this morning sore, irritated and sleepy. My walk last night didn't do much to tire me out and as a result of that and having too much on my mind, I fell asleep hours into the night, and even then scrambled images and fragments of dreams— the choosing ceremony, my father, the sobbing cutting through the silence—kept plaguing my sleep, making it feel like no time at all, until my alarm went off.

I hand them each a gun without looking as I keep talking. "Thankfully if you are here, you already know how to get on and off a moving train, so I don't need to teach you that."

The cold air stings my face, but I am thankful for it, because it carries away some of the exhaustion with it, making me alert.

"Initiation is divided into three stages. We measure your progress and rank you according to your performance in each stage." Some of the initiates tense at the mention of rankings, and that is how I know that Eric has told them about the cuts. I survey them for a second, weighing who's most likely to get cut, but when I look at the Stiff, I see no fear instead, a mouth set with determination. There really is something setting her apart from the other initiates. Eric won't be smart enough to notice it this quickly, unless she draws attention to herself in a major way, but that's unlikely to happen in stage one seeing her thin frame…

I shift my glance away. "The stages are not weighed equally in determining your final rank, so it is possible, though difficult, to drastically improve your rank over time." _If you don't get cut by then._ The unsaid words hang in the balance.

"We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear," I continue. "Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental."

"But what…" The Erudite- Peter yawns through his words. "What does firing a gun have to do with…bravery?"

I've had about enough with these Candor for not knowing how to keep their mouth shut and be smart.

I flip the gun in my hand, press the barrel to his forehead, a fix the bullet in place with a resounding click that I know all of them have heard, because they're standing as quiet as mice and watching this.

Peter freezes, not even daring to look up at me. "Wake. Up," I snap. "You are holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it."

Apparently, Candor are not the only ones who can speak their mind without being rude; I'm no less.

I lower the gun, and satisfied with Peter being too scared to respond, walk back to the center of the row.

"And to answer your question- you are far less likely to soil your pants and cry for your mother if you're prepared to defend yourself." My irritation is really building up now.

I turn on my heel and face the target. "This is also information you may need later in stage one. So, watch me."

The targets are simple squares of plywood with three red circles painted on the front. This was something that came to me naturally when I got here; it's a simple matter of focus and a steady hand to hit them. I stand with my feet apart, hold the gun with both hands, narrow down my vision to the centre of the circle and fire. I don't flinch at the sound and my muscles barely register the recoil of the gun. It finds its mark, dead centre. I finally allow myself to blink, and when I close my eyes, I can see Amar's wide look of surprise and approving grin, as I hit the target perfectly the first time Ifired a gun in this very room.

I fire a few more shots to release my irritation and then leave the targets clear and stand back to watch the initiates try.

I have to admit that all three Erudite transfers are good- which just proves that this is a matter of skill and concentration more than sheer strength- but the big guy, Edward is extremely competent. Most of them are still trying to familiarize themselves with the weight of the gun in their hands and the Stiff, well, she's cringing away from the gun, like it's a sin to be holding one. I know for a fact that she won't be able to hit the target until she keeps her feet planted while she fires instead of jumping back.

I don't give advice today, there are some things that they should figure out on their own. My attention is slipping away despite the irregular sounds of guns firing when I suddenly look around and see Eric's not here today. _Must've been out late last night. Or maybe he won't come to the training sessions at all_ , I perk up hopefully.

By the time I dismiss them for lunch, most of them have hit the centre of the target at least once and Edward and Peter too- although it pains me to give idiots credit, could shoot a gun to defend their lives.

I skip lunch myself in favor of a short nap, and when I wake up I feel so much better and even _almost_ ready to teach to teach a bunch of dunderheads how to fight.

I lead them to the actual training room, with the punching bag and fighting mats- the place where I beat Eric so many dozens of times during our own initiation. It's a place that every single Dauntless has been through and that makes it… _special_ , although I'm not sure how many people appreciate such things anymore.

"As I said this morning, next you will learn how to fight. The purpose of this is to  
prepare you to act; to prepare your body to respond to threats and challenges—which you will need, if you intend to survive life as a Dauntless." I repeatedly tell them why we do what we do, because we're not really brutish like the other factions think we are- almost everything we do has an actual purpose to it and I want them to see it that way.

"We will go over technique today, and tomorrow you will start to fight each other, so I recommend that you pay attention. Those who don't learn fast will get hurt," I say blandly.

I name a few different punches, throwing my weight into them and the familiar rhythm is almost soothing to me, like my muscles were craving the exercise. I feel all the frustration of the past few days disappearing into the punching bag. I go into my fear landscape frequently to exercise myself, but right now I wonder if I should do this more often too. I feel powerful here, over and over.

The kicks are more difficult and I don't want to confuse them so I stick to the basics but after they're done watching and I send them off to practice, I do a few more, just to release myself.

When I'm done, I wander through the room, pausing to give advice every now and then. Once again, Edward is by far the best at this with Peter close behind. It doesn't say anything about what the outcome of the fights will be, though. Brute force can lose to a skinny opponent _if_ the opponent's smart enough.

When I stop in front in front of the Stiff I can feel her tense as I survey her figure. She's skinny but she's one of the fast people who could win if they use their heads. "You don't have much muscle," I tell her, "which means you're better off using your knees and elbows. You can put more power behind them." I notice the way she holds her midriff- she's not standing firmly enough, a major disadvantage in a fight. I press a hand to her stomach. "Never forget to keep tension here." I say quietly.

I lift my hand and walk off. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Christina watching me _. Don't think about it. Don't think about anything right now._

I dismiss them a little early for dinner but Eric's not around so hopefully he won't notice. When all of them leave the room I finally permit myself to think of what happened. _You're her instructor. She's an initiate. You don't think of them that way._

 _Then why did touching her just send a pleasantly tingling feeling through me?_

 _Stupid. I just admitted it. I'm stupid._

* * *

A/N : Four is such a complicated person and I gotta admit it, I love delving deeper into his character to figure out why he's doing what he's doing.

Also Eric vs Four scenes coming up soon!

Love,  
SilverStars


	5. Heartless Vs Dauntless

A/N: I do not like Eric. (Shortest A/N ever)

Disclaimer: These charcters belong to Veronica A. Roth.

* * *

 _Chapter 5  
Heartless Vs Dauntless_

That night I hang out with Zeke, Shauna and Lauren. I need something to take my mind off- to stop me from thinking about what just happened, what I felt. Zeke has a day off tomorrow so they're partying till late at his place, but I know I need some sleep and Lauren doesn't really mind third-wheeling, so I excuse myself early. As I leave however, I notice how happy he and Shauna are together, and I'm happy for him, but I wonder if I'll ever find someone like that to share everything with without being judged.

Today is the day they start fighting each other. I get in the training room bright and early and start chalking out their names on the board. I'm supposed to leave the pairs to chance, but I like to keep it interesting for myself.

"Since there are an odd number of you, one of you won't be fighting today," I say as I step away from the board. I left the space next to Tris's name blank- I'm not sure why. I guess I just wasn't ready to see her fight yet.

She looks a little relieved. Not completely fearless after all I guess! Watching her again, yesterday's events resurface in my memory. I push them down again. _Nothing happened,_ I tell myself. _You just got a little overworked and started imagining feelings._

I've just called for Will and Albert- the first pair to come up when I see Eric walk in quietly. He doesn't want to be noticed yet I can tell, he's waiting for the moment to surprise the initiates with his presence. I force myself to relax. Training the initiates is _my_ job. He's merely a spectator here.

I fold my arms and turn my attention back to Will and Al. They're shuffling around in a circle, unsure of how to start the fight. Al is powerful, but Will's fast and he's from Erudite. He could win, although looking at his demeanor right now, I actually doubt it. Al punches twice, once hitting his mark and once being blocked and I realize that this fight is going to be over soon but then they start to pace in a circle once more, looking at me as if waiting for the fight to be called off.

I wouldn't have done that _yet_. Even if Eric wasn't here. But unfortunately he is. He makes a huge show of checking his watch. "Do you think this is a leisure activity? Should we break for nap time? Fight each other!" he shouts.

If I didn't know better I'd say that he was pissed about something else and taking it out on them. But I know Eric, and he treats everyone the same way, like they're beneath him, and it's their job to do what he wants without being told.

The initiates all whip their heads around to look at him. Up in the ring, Al looks confused, like he's unsure of whether to speak or not.

I say he shouldn't, but of course, he doesn't know Eric like I do. Al straightens, and lets down his guard for a minute. "But… Is it scored or something? When does the fight end?"

"It ends when one of you is unable to continue," replies Eric smoothly.

I'm not going to let this go down without a fight even though I _know_ Eric has the authority here (and everywhere else – although that's besides the point).

"According to Dauntless rules," I add, "one of you could also concede."

Eric immediately rounds on me. "According to the old rules," he says. "In the _new_ rules, no one concedes."

He's trying to get to me by reminding me who made the new rules in the first place.

Well, I wanted a fight; I'm not backing down from one now.

"A brave man acknowledges the strength of others." I say calmly.

"A brave man never surrenders." I can see he's getting annoyed by me challenging his authority in front of the initiates.

I contemplate my options. In any case, I can't win this fight. I've done what I intended to do- piss him off. How far should I go now?

I stare at him for a few seconds more, trying to intimidate him by reminding him I beat him up multiple times in this same room during our own initiation, but I know that it's pointless- it'll only make him want to see the initiates suffer even more.

He cuts me off with a look that says, _you could've chosen leadership you know?_

I give up and turn my attention back to the fight. I hate it when he keeps reminding me of that. I _know_ I could've been a Dauntless leader if I wanted to and I _know_ Max always liked me better than he liked Eric and I would've taken the job, except I didn't know Eric was going to do such things and I'd already decided to leave and be factionless soon just like my mother by the time he did.

"This is ridiculous," Al says. "What's the point of beating him up? We're in the same faction!"

I want to warn him that it's a mistake to say such things, because Eric believes that ruthless, heartless people who don't back down from hurting other people are actually the ones who belong in Dauntless, but Eric is standing right here so I have to keep my mouth shut.

Fortunately, Will doesn't give him a chance to reprimand Al. "Oh you think it's going to be that easy?" he asks. "Go on, try to hit me, slowpoke."

His voice is lined with determination. Maybe he's smarter than I gave him credit for- he is trying to prove a point to Eric.

He dodges one punch and then another and kicks Al in the back. Okay, he's definitely smarter than I thought. He's making use of his speed and I almost think he _might_ win, when Al comes to his sense, grabs him and punches him in the jaw, and Will goes crumbling down.

Hmm, not the most interesting fight. One hit, and Will's unconscious. I turn to the board and circle Al's name.

"Get him up," Eric says. I know he's enjoying this.

Al helps me lead Will out of the room and he's half awake by the time we reach the infirmary. He's in bad shape but he'll live. I guess, that's going to be all of their condition before long with the new rules Eric's putting in place.

I slip back into the training room a few minutes later and immediately, I know this isn't a good time.

Eric's standing in the center of the ring over Christina with his arms folded and his voice is unusually quiet, quieter than mine when I'm scaring people. I know something bad's going to happen here.

"Get up," he says still in that quiet voice.

"Follow me," he gestures to everyone.

I don't know what he's planning, but it can't be good. I don't know whether to follow or not. I hang back in the shadows as they all walk past and then I make a split second decision, and follow far behind, keeping my distance.

Eric leads them to the chasm. _Shit._ I know what he's going to do. And unless I'm mistaken it will end up with Christina either dead or factionless.

The railing is narrow and slippery from the spray of the river. But Christina is thin. She could hang on.

"Climb over the railing," says Eric, confirming my suspicions. "If you can hang over the chasm for five minutes, I will forget your cowardice. If you can't, I will not allow you to continue initiation."

The words barely register in my head. I'm too busy debating whether I can stop him or not. I can't overrule him- he _just_ reminded me _he_ has the authority here. I could talk him out of it but it wouldn't do any good when he's in such a temper. It could end with me being factionless too. I can't risk that; I need to be here to protect these initiates. _Well, what are you doing right now then?_

I need to stop him _. I need to._ But I can't.

I check my watch. Her time's almost up. I can't see her past the railing from here, but I know from the other initiate's faces that she's still hanging on.

My heart almost stops from relief when Al declares that five minutes are up. Eric takes his time, looking at his own watch, tilting it and I almost come out and decide to help her up myself when he says, "Fine. You can come up Christina." He says it too lightly. This isn't over yet. Eric doesn't accept defeat this quick.

Al starts walking towards the railing at the same time that I realize what Eric's going to say. That she needs to come up by herself.

"No she doesn't," Al growls. I'm so grateful to him for standing up to Eric right now so I won't have to, that it doesn't even cross my mind that he's putting himself in danger by speaking to Eric that way. "She did what you said. She's not a coward. She did what you said." He's almost spitting the worlds at him and I don't blame him. I stay just long enough to see Al and Tris haul Christina up over the barrier, injured but miraculously still _alive_. Then I turn on my heel and leave.

 _This place is becoming more and more alien to me every day,_ I think as I unlock the door to my apartment.

* * *

A/N: Four vs Eric w Tris caught in the crossfire action up next ;)


	6. Wildhound

A/N: Four cannot see Tris hurt and it's sad yes, but I can't help thinking that it's also a little sweet ;)

* * *

 _Chapter 6-  
Wildhound_

My jaw drops when I walk into the training room this morning. Eric has gotten there ahead of me and decided the matches already. And by the looks of it he wants a bloodbath – he's paired all the strong ones with the weak ones.

And he's paired Peter with Tris.

There's no way she wins this- Peter is strong but not big enough to be slow, he has muscle power and his only weakness is that he steps before he punches and that's not really much to exploit.

Goddamn Eric. It's like he almost knows that I didn't make her fight yesterday on purpose and he's going to get back at me for it, but I know Eric may be vicious, but he isn't smart enough to figure that out.

I force myself to breathe. It's not like most of the initiates- except Edward I guess- won't get beaten up at some point.

When Tris walks in and sees the chalkboard she stops dead in her tracks. She knows it too- I can see it on her face, she knows she can't win against Peter.

Edward and Molly are up first. It's a long drawn out fight but by the time Edward finishes Molly is only half conscious, but that's a good thing otherwise Eric would sue me for calling off the fight.

Tris is trembling as she walks to the center of the arena, whether she knows it or not. Peter flashes her a grin. I hate him. I'm pretty sure he and Eric are going to get along well.

"You okay there, Stiff?" he mocks. "You look like you're about to cry. I might go easy on you if you cry."

Smug son of a bitch, he is enjoying this so much. I wish I could fight him myselfand _then_ he'd lose in about two seconds and his ego would be back in its proper place. Next to me Eric's tapping his foot and I know he's amused by all of this too while I'm standing there with my arms folded, with no authority to stop this.

"Come on, Stiff. Just one little tear. Maybe some begging."

It gets to her. She tries to kick him in the side, but he's expecting it- he goaded her into it- and he catches her foot, yanking it forward and knocks her to the floor.

I want to warn her to take a few hits and go down and pretend to be unconscious but I know she won't because her face is shining with that Abnegation stubbornness and Dauntless determination that I know so well and I have to suppress a smile for a second because she is _so much like me._

"Stop playing with her," snaps Eric. "I don't have all day." He pretending like he wants to get this over with fast, but he doesn't; he just can't wait to see her lose to his protégée.

Peter's mischievous look disappears and I _know_ this is going to be bad but I can't do anything about it.

I seem to be feeling like that a lot lately.

He punches her in the jaw and then kicks her in the stomach as she's trying to get back up. _What kind of a person hits someone_ while _they're trying to get back up?_

She's trying to fight back but she can barely stand on her own two feet when Peter punches her again this time in the nose and then in the ribs and her side and her ear and she's down now but she won't go unconscious even though her nose is bleeding heavily.

I can't take it anymore. So I do the next best thing- I shove the door open and walk out. It's all I seem to be doing these days anyway- walking away- from my thoughts, from my feelings and soon even from my faction.

I know none of them noticed me leave; they're too busy either being horrified or being sadistic like Eric and relishing the fight but I know _I_ will have to face at some point why I walked out of there when I did.

I feel protective of her _because she's an initiate and I'm in charge of the initiates. No further speculations will be allowed._

I cover my face with my hands outside in the corridor. I hate this feeling, the feeling of being powerless to protect someone I care about. There- I admitted it- I care about her. I care about all the initiates. Except Peter. And Edward maybe. And Molly. And- but the point is, I hate that feeling. Maybe it's the Abnegation streak in me but I don't want to feel helpless like that ever again.

I'm _trying_ to protect her- them all until they finish initiation, but with Eric prowling around like a wild hound hungry for blood, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to.

* * *

A/N: Four is going to admit to himself that he likes Tris soon. I can feel it in my bones.

Also, shout out to reviewer **Charms22,** your support really makes my day! (And by the way, I agree with everything you've said).


	7. The Good and the Bad

A/N: I love deeep chapters where I can just focus on Four's thoughts.

* * *

 _Chapter 7- The Good and the Bad_

I'm taking the initiates on a field trip this morning. Eric left me a message yesterday through Max that he won't be coming. He's too lazy to wake himself up at eight fifteen, I guess. Besides, it's just the fence and he probably thinks there isn't much scope for me to fill the initiates' heads with the honorable Dauntless bullshit. I can't say I agree- one, there'd be plenty of opportunities to do that if I wanted to and two, it's not honourable Dauntless 'bullshit'.

He hasn't asked me why I left the training room so abruptly yesterday but that's because we haven't met since then. Still, I hope that he'll have forgotten all about it by today and will let it go.

I've been standing at the tracks for the last half hour. I went to bed super early yesterday, allowing me enough sleep to wake up early in the morning and have some quiet time to myself here. There's a cold morning wind blowing, stinging my face and washing away the last remnants of sleep. I haven't bothered to put on anything warm, simply because I love the cold in my bones; it makes me feel alive.

I'm standing so close to the tracks that I'm nearly on them. I think about how when I first got here after leaving everything behind, I used to walk on the tracks with my back to the direction of the incoming trains- back when I didn't even remember the train schedule. I used to tell myself that I did it because I loved the risk and the adrenaline rush that came with it but really, it was because I didn't care if I lived or died at that point. I had some near misses, many of them and for a second I think about doing it again, just to recall exactly how it feels but then I remember that I won't feel as good now because I know the train's not due for another four minutes.

I hear voices behind me and instinctively glance at my watch. It's almost eight fifteen. The initiates are starting to come down here in twos and threes. I don't know what happened in the rest of the training session yesterday but I can see that no one looks more injured than expected. That's good then. Peter and Tris's fight must have satisfied Eric's hunger for the rest of the day.

Tris walks up here, with Christina.

She looks bad- she has one black eye, a split lip and a slightly bruised jaw, but it could've been much worse. The fight must've ended sooner than I thought it would after I left the room then. I breathe a sigh of relief. And then I realize that without me knowing it, some part of me was worried about her. _Stupid._

The train should be here any second now. The schedule in the morning is simple- one train at eight minutes the next after seven. They're always on time and they _never_ slow down at the Dauntless compound like they do at the other faction headquarters. The city trains don't have drivers, they're automated to run on the circular tracks covering most of the city, except the Abnegation compound, because the Abnegation wouldn't want to inconvenience the trains, they'd prefer to walk. Selflessness is good in moderation, just like bravery is, but not when it prevents you from using your common sense and taking advantage of trains that run day and night anyway. 'Taking advantage of'- there, Abnegation hate that phrase too. But despite everything, as I stand here inhaling the fresh morning scent and feeling the satisfaction of hoisting myself onto the moving train perfectly, even during one of the best moments in Dauntless, I'm only _almost_ at peace with my choice to leave them.

They all make it onto the train even Tris, even though Al lifts her onto it. I should reprimand them both for that, Eric would've done it, because we're half way through the first stage of initiation now and she should learn how to get on by herself, but he's hurt and I can't bring myself to blame Al for helping her. And I'm not Eric and he isn't here today so I can do as I please.

Peter's started flashing his big Candor smart-mouth already."Feeling okay there?" he says to Tris. "Or are you a little… _Stiff_?" He laughs that annoying laugh of his, and Molly and Drew follow him.

"Yeah, we are all awed by your incredible wit," says Will mockingly. "Yeah, are you sure you don't belong with the Erudite, Peter?" Christina adds. "I hear they don't object to sissies."

I'd love to see Peter try to win against Will and Christina in insults- deadly combination those two- but I'm not going to stand him mocking Tris again, not now, not after he just beat her up yesterday.

He opens his mouth to say something, no doubt another stupid little joke, but I interrupt him. "Am I going to have to listen to your bickering all the way to the fence?" I say sharply.

That shuts them all up. Christina and Will look annoyed with me for calling of their fight but Tris's expression is unchanging. She's hard to figure out sometimes, I like that about her. No, I mean I like that about her because it makes her interesting- not in that way, I mean it's challenging to figure out what she's thinking. Okay, enough with what I mean and don't mean.

I turn to the open doorway of the car, grab the handles on the side firmly, and lean out, stretching myself against the wind, looking down at the city whizzing by ten feet below me. They're talking in the car behind me, but I block their voices out. I'm afraid of heights but this is a way for me to turn it into a good Dauntless moment. It's another thing I discovered when I first started riding the trains. Of course, it's not as risky now because I have strong arms and I know I won't fall but I still like to do it because it makes me feel powerful; like I can control my own destiny, because if I choose to let go of the handle, I fall and die and if I choose to hold on I live.

It's like I have this list of good Dauntless moments- the ones that make me feel good about choosing Dauntless and the bad Dauntless moments where I feel like I don't belong here at all. This is one of the good ones but they're becoming rarer and rarer, mostly thanks to Eric and I often find myself wishing for something to replace them.

* * *

A/N: To be continued...

I know this chapter could be longer guys, but I decided to divide it up so that I could have one thoughtful chapter and one chapter with more dialogues.

More content coming up ASAP!

More reviews= more motivation= less procrastination= more writing y'all!

Love,  
SilverStars


	8. Instructor

A/N: The next part of the chapter, as promised!

* * *

 _Chapter 8- Instructor_

These trains don't slow to a halt like normal trains do. The break forward abruptly, throwing everyone standing in front and believe me, you do not want to be standing near the door when that happens. Fortunately for me, I know the train schedule by heart and I know exactly when we'll arrive at the Amity headquarters.

It's been a while since I got off a train that wasn't moving and it feels strange and unnatural. I hate unfamiliarity. I step down and motion for the initiates to follow me.

The Amity farms are actually beautiful. I've been one for great in-depth appreciation of art but there's something relaxing about the green and yellow blending into each other all around you. Amity was never a choice for me though. It wouldn't help me get over the violence I faced in my childhood, only run away from it and I've had about enough of that as it is, lately.

I lead them towards the metal gate. It's big and ugly and makes me not want to wonder what lies beyond it.

"If you don't rank in the top five at the end of initiation, you will probably end up here," I tell them. "Once you are a fence guard, there is some potential for advancement, but not much. You may be able to go on patrols beyond Amity's farms, but—"

"Patrols for what purpose?" perks up Will.

I shrug. Shauna's been outside the gates once and she told me that it's eerie outside but they don't really have anything to guard the city from except the occasional stray dogs. "I suppose you'll discover that if you find yourself among them. As I was saying, for the most part, those who guard the fence when they are young continue to guard the fence. If it comforts you, some of them insist that it isn't as bad as it seems." I think about Zeke and I teasing Shauna about her 'watchman' job to coerce the said lie from her, and smile a little.

"What rank were you?" Peter asks me. The question is phrased casually but I can see the curiosity behind it.

Either something's wrong with the world and I'm in a good mood even with Peter around or I'm feeling a little guilty for having snapped at them all earlier but I look at him and state flatly, "I was first."

He's surprised by that, I'm not sure if he even believes it. "And you chose to do _this_?" There's both astonishment and disgust on his face. "Why didn't you get a government job?"

 _These no- good- except- for- asking- useless- questions- Candor."_ I didn't want one," I say plainly.

Shauna's on duty today. I scan the perimeter of the fence for her when I see her waving to me from a few feet away. "I didn't know you were coming here today!" she exclaims.

"Yeah, I wanted it to be a bit of a surprise for you, you know, me showing up to brighten up your immensely boring job just a little," I tease.

She fake punches me. "Teaching the initiates not to end up here like me?"

"As a matter of a fact, yes." Out of the corner of my eye I see Tris in deep conversation with a young Amity boy, someone from her old faction, if I have to guess.

I step away from the fence and move towards Tris. "I am worried that you have a knack for making unwise decisions," I say when she's just a foot away. I didn't even realize I was going to say it until I did. _I'm her instructor; it's my job to be worried about her._

She crosses her arms defiantly. "It was a two-minute conversation."

"I don't think a smaller time frame makes it any less unwise." I'm thinking about what Eric would do if he was here and suddenly it occurs to me and I frantically look around if any of the initiates who might report this to Eric saw her.

I turn my attention back to her and frown. Her eye is more blue and black than skin.

On impulse, I reach out and touch the corner of it, the place where the bruise starts. Her skin is soft around the bruise.

She jerks her head back, surprised at the touch. I don't withdraw my hand; even though this isn't a fight, I never back down. I sigh, and then survey her face again and then say, "You know, if you could just learn to attack first, you might do better."

I thought about it all day yesterday. She's fast but not strong. Being quick on the uptake and having the advantage of surprise could certainly prevent her face from looking like that again.

She takes a second to realize that I am talking about the fights.

 _Yeah, you know, I'm your_ instructor _who's supposed to teach you about combat._

"Attack first?" she asks. "How will that help?"

"You're fast. If you can get a few good hits in before they know what's going on, you could win." I explain. I shrug, and withdraw my hand.

"I'm surprised you know that," she says quietly, "since you left halfway through my one and only  
fight."

I did not expect her to have taken note of that. "Yeah, it wasn't something I wanted to watch," I say vaguely, hiding my surprise.

The beating she took hasn't robbed her face of its prettiness. I know I said she's not exactly pretty but now I think maybe there's no other world that defines better the hard curves of her jaw and her attention demanding eyes hovering somewhere between blue and grey that impart this softness to her skinny face.

I clear my throat and make my escape. "Looks like the next train is here. Time to go, Tris."

I _am_ her initiation _instructor_. I'm supposed to be overseeing her training, not scrutinizing the attractiveness of her face. Except nothing that's supposed to be happening is happening nowadays.

* * *

A/N: I absolutely hate that Four's supresssing his feeling for Tris because he's her instructor but at the same time I get that he feels it might be inappropriate (AHAH NOOO).

But I am so freaking excited for the chapters to come.

Review. reviews, revies y'all!

Love,  
SilverStars


	9. The Game

A/N: This chapter took me so long to write, I started it a week ago but it was all _so worth it._  
I think this might be my best one yet (if I say so myself)!  
I love Four so much.  
Okay, let's stop with my weird notes (with no continuity or context) and get right into it! (I'm almost asleep right now, it's so late).

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me except Four's thoughts and those belong to Four so… ;)

* * *

 _Chapter 9-  
The Game_

We're going to play Capture the Flag today.

I'm loooking forwrad to this. It's a 'good Dauntless moment' game; people misunderstand it for a game of strength and force but it's actually all about smartness and agility. And the best part is that I know I will beat Eric. And God knows my anger at him needs some blowing off.

We go easy on the initiates during training today and for once Eric doesn't object when I call off the fights before they lead to complete unconsciousness.

Tris still hasn't healed completely. I can tell by the way she moves, slowly, with deliberate steps, that she's still sore. I pair her with Myra, who as expected takes less than five minutes to beat. I know that the Abnegation in Tris won't like beating a weak girl like Myra, but I can't afford to risk pairing her with anyone else.

I don't go to sleep that night. We'll be waking the initiates up for the game in a few hours anyways, and adrenaline is already coursing through me, and my brain is working frantically, devising strategies I know I'll never use, because my job is to let the initiates decide what to do. That won't stop Eric from following his own plans anyways, that is if he's smart enough to make any. It's funny how Eric makes so many crude and brutal rules and yet he can't follow the simpler ones himself.

We stream into the transfers dormitory with flashlights- me, Eric and some other Dauntless members I'm not particularly close to. Zeke didn't come today even though he loves this game- he and Shauna are celebrating something. I feel a twinge of regret at that; Zeke and I were in the same team when we won this game during our own initiation- that was the first time we met.

"Everybody up," Eric roars- literally roars. _What is it with dramatic entrances and that guy?_

They all awake with a start. My eyes land on Tris's. She's still half asleep despite the bright torch lights and her hair is tousled and all over her face. _So this is what she looks like after she's just woken up._ There is something that particularly stands out in her face; I just can't place it yet.

"Did you go deaf, Stiff?" demands Eric.

I snap out from my daze. Everyone else is standing beside their bunkers, some fully clothed, some not. I look away. There's still an Abnegation 'frigidity' in me as my friends call it. I remember the first time Zeke forced me to go on a double date with him and Maria and some other girl called Nicole and how it ended with me comforting Shauna the entire night instead. I smile a little.

"You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks," announces Eric. "We're going on another field trip."

We walk out and soon the Dauntless born initiates and then the transfers join us behind, sprinting to reach on time.

"Everyone grab a gun!" shouts Eric, when they're all assembled, pointing to the crate of paintballs beside the tracks. I hear some laughs as they pick them up. _What, did they think we were going to shoot each other with real guns?_

"Time estimate?" Eric asks me while they pick up the guns.

I check my watch. "Any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?" I ask.

"Why should I, when I have you to remind me of it?" says Eric, shoving my shoulder.

He's being friendly to me today. I guess he's momentarily forgotten in his excitement that he hates me. He's excited for this game too, I know he is; we all are. He was on my team too when we won the first time we played.

The train rumbles closer, illuminating the dark night. I'm the first to get on; my muscles don't need a run up to handle the strain. Tris is right behind me. I stretch out an arm to help her up. _Only because she's hurt,_ I tell myself. I pull her up easily, she doesn't weigh much at all.

She lets go quickly without looking at me.

When all of them make it onto the train I speak up again. "We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates, and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same."

The car sways, and I grabs the side of the doorway for balance. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."

"What do we get if we win?" someone shouts.

 _What a stupid question. I try to find who asked it._ "Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask," I say, smiling faintly "You get to win, of course _._ " _And I get to beat Eric._

"Four and I will be your team captains," says Eric. He looks at me. "Let's divide up transfers first, shall we?"

Him talking to me like this, treating me as his equal, even phrasing demands as a suggestion makes me feel a little guilty for wanting to defeat him so badly. After all we bonded during this game two years ago- the two top initiates of the class, if you could call it bonding. But then I remember Peter and Tris's fight and I turn hard again. That was _before_ Eric became a monster.

"You go first," I say. I'm giving him no opportunity to blame it on luck, or me being too scared to let him pick first if anything of the like when I win.

Eric shrugs. "Edward."

I lean against the door frame and nod slightly. I knew he would go for the top ranking initiates- the string ones. But he fails to understand that this is a game of mind power and speed. I already have a strategy in mind, but I can't let him think that yet, I don't want to put him on his guard because I'm trying to beat him. I scan the group of transfer initiates briefly and seemingly without thinking, say, "I want the Stiff."

Some of the other initiates are muffling laughter. It annoys me but I keep a calm face- they won't laugh after I win and Tris is essential to that plan. She can think on her feet and her small frame makes her fast and easy for her to sneak part guards. If Eric had any sense, _he'd_ pick her first.

"Got something to prove?" asks Eric, smirking. "Or are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have someone to blame it on?"

 _Does he actually believe he can win against me?_ He must be more delusional than I gave him credit for. And he just confirmed my suspicions by accusing me of blaming potential defeat on something else – he'll do the same to any lengths and I'm not going to let him.

I shrug casually. "Something like that." I need him to believe that I'm being stupid and I know he'll buy it, at least till the game is halfway over, because stupid people are always ready to believe that others are stupid.

"Your turn," I say.

"Peter."

"Christina."

"Molly."

"Will," I say, biting my thumbnail.

"Al."

"Drew."

"Last one left is Myra. So she's with me," says Eric.

"Dauntless-born initiates next."

I'm pretty happy with my choices; I've picked a few strong ones- Uriah, Marlene and Will to guard our flag and the rest of them are fast and narrow- shouldered, we'll all go on offense.

We finish choosing teams, and Eric smirks at me _. He actually thinks he can win._

"Your team can get off second," says Eric.

"Don't do me any favors," I reply. I can't help it, I let my pride get the better of me. I smile a little and add, "You know I don't need them to win."

"No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off," he says, biting down briefly on one of the rings in his lip. "Take your scrawny team and get off first, then." _Shit._ He knows I'm confident about my team and he's afraid he might lose now.

It's okay, I can win, whether he knows it's coming or not.

We jump of the rain, out into the cold night. We've chosen this part of the city for the game for its lack of street lights. Being able to see each other wouldn't really make the game as fun.

Marlene walks up to me and touches my shoulder. "When your team won, where did you put the flag?" she asks.

Marlene's friends with Lynn, Shauna's younger sister. That's how I know her, although Shauna regards them as 'babies' and never lets them hang out with us.

"Telling you wouldn't really be in the spirit of the exercise, Marlene," I say coolly.

"Come on, Four," she whines. She gives me a flirtatious smile. I brush her hand off my shoulder. She really must be as stupid as Shauna says if she thinks she can seduce me into telling her anything.

"Navy Pier," another initiate calls out. "My brother was on the winning team. They kept the flag at the carousel." He's too far away for me to see who he is, but I've never played the game with the flag hidden there so his brother must be older than me.

"Let's go there, then," says Will.

I don't object. The place sounds good. We head east towards the marsh, till the end of the buildings, past the Ferris wheel and arrive at the carousel. This place is barren and silent; I don't come here very often, it reminds me of the quiet Abnegation streets at night when I would slip out of my house sometimes for an invisible run. Running is supposed be self-serving because it serves no useful purpose to society but I _needed_ to free my mind and my body of those Abnegation confines for those precious minutes back then. Now I'm free to run whenever I want. I quicken my pace to a jog just to remind myself of that.

"In ten minutes, the other team will pick their location," I say once they all have reached. "I suggest you take this time to formulate a strategy. We may not be Erudite, but mental preparedness is one aspect of your Dauntless training. Arguably, it is the most important aspect." There it is- the one thing that will cost Eric his win- strategy.

Will takes the flag from me.

"Some people should stay here and guard and some people should go out and scout the other team's location," he says. The practical one. I was relying on him for this sense.

"Yeah? You think?" Marlene plucks the flag from Will's fingers. "Who put you in charge, transfer?"

"No one," says Will. "But someone's got to do it."

It doesn't take them long to start bickering. I glance down at my watch. We have eight minutes left. I'm going to let them argue and come to a decision for that much time and then take charge. I sit down on the edge of the carousel. I can't hear their bickering from here. I look up at the sky- it's starless and cloudy, only the moon visible from behind a layer of clouds. The cloudy night just makes this game all the more suspenseful. I know I've said it before, but I love the dark. It's one thing I've never been scared of and everything about it – the silence, the feeling of being alone makes me feel at peace.

I'm trying to savor every moment of this game. It might be the last time I ever play it if I'm going to leave to join the factionless soon. It's one of the things I'll miss most about Dauntless – swift attack, strategy, the adrenaline rush, the bond that forms after you've all won (or lost, I guess, I wouldn't know) together and the friends this game gave me.

I glance down at my watch. Seven minutes are up. I start to make my way over there when I see Tris standing beneath the Ferris wheel. She takes a deep breath and pulls herself onto its first rung. _What the hell is she doing?_ I scramble to find my gun, sling it across my shoulder and walk over there.

"Tris," I say quietly.

She turns around slowly, not in the least startled. Her eyes find mine. "Yes?"

"I came to find out what you think you're doing." I hope it doesn't show in my voice that I'm worried about her.

"I'm seeking higher ground," she says, unflinching. "I don't _think_ I'm doing anything."

I smile. So while the other I initiates were busy squabbling, she snuck off here to look for their flag all by herself. She's even smarter than I thought she was. "All right, I'm coming," I say, lifting my gun over my shoulder and putting it to the side.

She's not the one scared of heights but I still can't let her go up there alone. The Ferris wheel is rickety and I never know when one of the rungs might break and give way. It's safer for two of us to go up there.

"I'll be fine," she says sharply.

"Undoubtedly," I reply. _She'll_ be fine. Whether I will or not remains to be seen.

I wait till she's a few feet above the ground and follow her. I climb quickly and soon I'm right below her, ready to catch her if she sways.

I don't want to ask her to stop climbing but she keeps going higher and higher and higher. _Don't look at the ground. Don't look at the ground._ I try to focus on her slim figure above me.I want to tell her that this is high enough that we should stop, but I know that she's determined and she'll just keep going without me. And I can't let that happen.

After a few minutes I start to go breathless. I need to distract myself from the fact that I am ten feet above the ground and I could fall and die at any second.

"So, tell me…" I say in between breaths. "What do you think the purpose of this exercise is? The game, I mean, not the climbing."

She takes her time to think. The wind is getting stronger here. It'll get worse before long. I grip the rungs of the wheel more tightly.

"Learning about strategy," she says. "Teamwork, maybe."

"Teamwork", I repeat. It comes out more like a panicked breath.

I make the mistake of looking down. The pavement is miles and miles below; everything looks so small from up here. I imagine myself falling and immediately feel dizzy. I stop and close my eyes. _I need to breathe._ I will _not_ fall to my death here or anywhere else.

I've never been this high up before. The fear is paralyzing me now; every inch of me is fear, it's running through my veins, my nerves, my limbs. I can't move, I can't speak. You'd think that after going through my fear landscape almost two hundred times I'd be okay with it but this is nothing compared to the simulations- this is _real._ Every second of it.

"Maybe not," Tris says. "Teamwork doesn't seem to be a Dauntless priority." Her voice brings me back to reality. It takes me a second to recall what she's talking about.

"It's supposed to be a priority. It used to be," I tell her.

I need to keep talking. "Now tell me…," I say, the first thing that comes to my head, "what do you think learning strategy has to do with…bravery?"

"It…it prepares you to act," she says after a long pause. "You learn strategy so you can use it." But I can't hear her now- my breathing is getting worse and worse- I'm panting now. My heart is beating at a thousand beats per minute- I can hear it louder than the sound of her voice.

She looks behind her. "Four…" she says. "Are you all right?"

Something about this fear _and_ about being with her makes me vulnerable. "Are you _human_ , Tris?"I say without thinking. "Being up this high…" I gasp for breath. "It doesn't scare you at all?"

She doesn't say anything but I already know the answer. I can sense her blood pumping and her excitement. This isn't scary to her, it's waking her up.

Suddenly a gust of wind presses on her left side, blowing her to the right. She gasps and clings to the rung. It snaps me out of my fear for a second. On impulse I clamp one hand across her hips and my fingers find a strip of bare skin just under her T-shirt. I squeeze gently, pushing her to the left, restoring her balance.

I gasp for air, not out of fear of heights this time. "You okay?" I ask quietly.

"Yes," she says briefly. She climbs in silence till we reach the platform and sits down, dangling her legs over the side and scooting over to make space for me. I don't understand how she can sit so casually fifty feet up in the air as if it were a picnic ground.

I crouch and press my back to the metal support, trying to steady my breathing. I focus on her calm face.

"You're afraid of heights," she says. "How do you survive in the Dauntless compound?"

"I ignore my fear," I reply. "When I make decisions, I pretend it doesn't exist." It's a well steeled, automatic response. It's something I learnt to do long before I got here.

She surveys me, expressionless. I can't tell what she's thinking in the slightest. "What?" I say after a few seconds.

"Nothing," she says, instantly. She turns her attention towards the city.

"We're not high enough," she says, looking up.

 _What?_

"I'm going to climb," she says, standing up. She grabs one of the bars above her head and pulls herself up, like climbing a rope _. Is she really human?_

"For God's sake, Stiff," I sigh.

"You don't have to follow me." She sways to one side as soon as she says it.

"Yes, I do."

I take a deep breath, and then hold my breath as if that will make it easier and start climbing. The maneuver is easy for my strong muscles, but the climb hurts my chest, like any longer and I might find myself letting go and falling. There are easier ways to win this game. _The game._ I force myself to think about the game, about beating Eric.

And then she stops right above me. "See that," she says, pointing to our right. I climb till I'm just one rung below her. I'm tall and my head is above hers. I'm so close to her, our bodies are almost pressed together. I feel dizzy from that fact even before I look down.

The city is spread out below us. I almost want to look back up, save myself from this torture when I see it. There's a tiny pulsing light on the ground.

"Yeah," I say, smiling. _At least she won't make us go higher now._

"It's coming from the park at the end of the pier," I say. Observing, analyzing it's the way my brain works and it prevents me from feeling the fear. "Figures. It's surrounded by open space, but the trees provide some camouflage. Obviously not enough."

"Okay," she says. She looks at me for a second. "Um, start climbing down. I'll follow you."

"Okay," I say. Another deep breath. And then I start climbing down. The climb down is not as bad mostly because I know it'll all be over in a few minutes, and that relief dims some of my fear. Still, my hands shake as I find the correct footholds and handholds.

I'm almost all the way down when Tris lets out a gasp from above. "Four!" My heart almost stops beating as I look up. Shit. Half a dozen bars are broken below her and she's dangling from the scaffolding, barely holding on.

A different kind of fear courses through me now. But at least Dauntless has taught me one thing- how to act in the midst of fear. I think quickly. Going up would be useless- I can't reach her with the rest of the bars broken. I need to do something else. I look around me swiftly. I need to use the surroundings to my advantage. Although, we're surrounded by only air. Then my eye catches something else. "Hold on!" I shout. "Just hold on, I have an idea."

I rush down the rest of the rungs at top speed, barely stopping to think about the height. I need to get down and to the machinery quickly.

I touch down on the ground and scramble to the Ferris wheel controls. My work in the control room has taught me enough to operate this. I switch it on quickly. The machine warms and sputters to life. Thank God. I pull the right lever towards me and with a whirring sound, the Ferris wheel begins to move.

I sigh in relief. But it's not over yet. She needs to drop at exactly the right moment. Or else she will be crushed beneath the cable cars. I don't dare look that way. I cross my fingers and look towards the sky, offering silent prayers to whichever God might be listening. Three seconds, two seconds, one second… the wheel should have completed the round by now. I slowly look down.

Tris is lying on the ground, her face in her hands, but unharmed. I almost drop down to my knees from relief. _She's safe._

I walk over to her and take her wrists in my hands and pry her hands from her eyes. I'm so giddy with relief, I don't care what I do right now. I press my hands to hers.

"You all right?" I ask.

"Yeah." she says.

I look at her for a few seconds and then I start to laugh. All the stress of the past ten minutes ebbs out of me as she joins me and we sit just there on the ground, laughing despite everything that just happened.

"You could have told me that the Ferris wheel still worked," she says. "We wouldn't have had to climb in the first place."

"I would have, if I had known," I say. "Couldn't just let you hang there, so I took a risk. Come on, time to get their flag."

I hesitate for a moment. I should give her time to recover. But this Dauntless and we are in the middle of a game. I smile at her and take her hand, lifting her off the ground, and guide her back to the carousel, both of us still shaking, but alive (thankfully) and awake.

There are just six of them there. "Where'd the others go?" I ask.

"Did you guys turn on the wheel?" Marrisa says. She's a year older than me. "What the hell are you thinking? You might as well have just shouted 'Here we are! Come and get us! '" She shakes her head. "If I lose again this year, the shame will be unbearable. Three years in a row?"

"The wheel doesn't matter," I say. "We know where they are."

"We?" says Christina, incredulously.

"Yes, while the rest of you were twiddling your thumbs, Tris climbed the Ferris wheel to look for the other team," I tell her. I'm not sure if anyone can hear the pride in my voice, not for myself, but for Tris.

"What do we do now, then?" asks Uriah through a yawn.

I look at Tris. It's only fair that she gets to decide this. She hesitates for a second and then confidently says, "Split in half. Four of us go to the right side of the pier, three to the left. The other team is in the park at the end of the pier, so the group of four will charge as the group of three sneaks behind  
the other team to get the flag."

"Sounds good," says Marissa. "Let's get this night over with, shall we?"

I smile and join her and the other two initiates while Christina and Uriah go with Tris. Now all that's left for us is to attack and distract and draw them out.

We run swiftly, the four of us and shoot in unison. As expected, Eric takes the bait in a blink of the eye. We've engaged them in combat and their team's flag is almost unguarded. I love this rush of battle. Power and fury coursing through my veins, I take aim, over and over, taking down their guards one at a time. I haven't been able to shoot Eric yet, both of us are too good at dodging, but I don't need to. _Any second now._

And there is it! I hear Christina's whoop of victory and other voices lifting up to join it and then for a few moments, I am yelling too, forgetting all the frustration I carry around with me everywhere. _Next time though, I'd like to win without putting Tris's life in danger. If there is a next time._

Then I search for Tris, and find her standing at the side, a wide grin on her face. Christina shouldn't have been the one to pick up the flag when the credit was Tris's but she doesn't look unhappy about it. I clap her shoulder. "Well done, Tris," I say quietly.

The ride back home is fun. I stand in a corner of the car, leaning against the walls. The members are all celebrating, or mourning and the train is bursting with noise, which I enjoy for once, but the best part of it all is that Eric is so bitter after his defeat and about the fact that he couldn't shoot me even _once_ that he's shooting dagger glances at me every few seconds. I know that I should be scared, that he's going to pay me back for it tomorrow, but nothing can dampen my spirits right now. I think about Tris, about climbing the Ferris wheel together and our hands touching and despite the pressure of everything, I find myself smiling, as the train rumbles across the city.

* * *

A/N: I just wrote a 4500 word chapter. (Wow, what am I doing? *takes a moment to believe that accomplishment*) )

I can't wait to get further in their relationship though ;)

Also, thank you guys for all your reviews over the past week, they mean the world to me!

Love y'all,  
SilverStars


	10. Knives

A/N: I'd like to start by saying how sorry I am for the amount of time I took to get back to this- but I have a plan in mind now- and dw guys, you'll be getting new chapters almost every day!

Disclaimer: Everything and this world belongs to Mother Nature except- this story belongs to Veronica Roth and weirdness belongs to me!

Being too busy to write sucks.

* * *

 _Chapter 10-  
Knives_

Everyone is tired the next morning.

I don't blame them. I'd very much have liked to go straight back to sleep after breakfast this morning. Last night tired me out, but the frenzy kept me awake into the long hours of the night. Thinking about the game. _And Tris._

We're throwing knives today. The targets are lined up on one side of the room again and Eric's already standing there, cold hatred flashing in his eyes so early in the morning.

I hurt his pride yesterday, not just during Capture the Flag- Max pulled me aside at breakfast to ask how the transfers were doing as if I'm the one in charge of them, not Eric. _Well actually, I am._ I chose this job over _leadership_ whereas Eric simply gave himself the authority to 'oversee' the training.

I inhale deeply and breathe in the smell of metal- dust- sweat. I might not have volunteered to train the initiates if it wasn't for the smell of this training room. It was the first place I felt powerful. Every time I breathe it, I feel it again.

"Tomorrow will be the last day of stage one," Eric says. "You will resume fighting then. Today, you'll be learning how to aim. Everyone pick up three knives." Something about Eric's presence here is unnerving me. I'd do a much better job of teaching them if he left. "And pay attention while Four demonstrates the correct technique for throwing them."

He shoots me poisonous look. He'd throw the knives himself just to remind me that he's my superior, but he's not as good at it as me- he wouldn't be sure to hit the target every single time and he doesn't want to let the initiates know that.

His fear gives me confidence. I grab four or five knives off the table and spin on my heel to face the targets. The targets are the same as the gun targets on the first day- twelve boards, three circles, but my mark is the centre one.

They're never going to fight with _knives_ while patrolling the city or doing anything else in Dauntless. All knife- throwing does is fuel the Dauntless bravado or impress people like I will impress them now. Eric would say that impressing people is important but he wouldn't mean it and I have better reasons to come up with – someday, there may come a day when we have to fight and all the bullets in our guns are exhausted. I think about the reports that Erudite is releasing about Abnegation. War is coming, and I want them to be prepared for it when it does.

Amar, my initiation instructor saw that I had a busy mind. He taught me to tie my movements to my breaths. I inhale and spin the knife, exhale and pass it to my right hand, inhale and aim, exhale and throw. I find a rhythm in it, relaxing despite all the people watching. I hit the target every single time.

I leave the knives in the board to remind them of what is possible, and stand back, leaning against the wall.

"Line up," Eric orders. I watch them carefully. I'd like to give out advice but I can't do that with Eric here, not today. I have to admit, Christina is good although I don't like giving credit to Candor smart-mouths and so is Peter, although I don't like giving credit to future psychopaths.

Finally, I allow myself to look at Tris. I have to be careful with Eric watching me like a hawk, he may be dumber than most people think but he _was_ originally from Erudite and if I keep looking at her he'll know and that will be my undoing. She's aiming without throwing the knife first. _Smart._ I see a bit of Erudite in her, just like I do in myself _. Could she be Divergent too?_

Even thinking the word with Eric in the room feels dangerous.

"Hey Stiff, remember what a knife is," taunts Peter.

She doesn't respond, just keeps throwing without releasing the knife. Five seconds later, her knife is the first to slam into the target after mine. I smile a little.

"Hey Peter, remember what a target is?" she smirks.

Eric looks at me without really looking at me and jerks his head so that his eyes land somewhere above my head. I step away from the wall and straighten up. I _hate_ it when he treats me like his lackey; like I didn't knock out one of his teeth during our own initiation. I wish I could fight him in the ring again, I'd knock him flat in about two seconds, maybe even incapacitate him enough to give me three peaceful days with him in the infirmary. _That would be a pleasant reward._

Half an hour in, they're all getting the hang of it- except Al. He's sloppy and most of the time his knives hit the floor instead of coming anywhere close to the board.

It's a pity Eric also notices. "How slow _are_ you, Candor? Do you need glasses? Should I move the target closer to you?" he yells.

Al pauses. Then throws another knife, and this one sails a few feet to the right of the target, spinning at hitting the wall again.

I could help him correct his technique in about half a minute but Eric won't let me, not in this mood.

"What was that, initiate?" says Eric quietly, leaning closer to Al.

Whatever Eric has in mind, it can't be good.

"It—it slipped," says Al.

"Well, I think you should go get it," Eric says. He scans the other initiates' faces—everyone has stopped throwing again—and says, "Did I tell you to stop?"

Knives start to hit the board again. I'm too busy watching Al and Eric; I can't even look at Tris.

"Go get it?" Al's eyes are wide. "But everyone's still throwing."

"And?"

"And I don't want to get hit."

"I think you can trust your fellow initiates to aim better than you." Eric's eyes are almost ravenous. I debate whether to leave the room or not while I can. _No. I'm going to protect them this time._ "Go get your knife."

I hold my breath and wait. Al's safest option right now would be to do as Eric says and fetch his knife, praying like hell that he doesn't get hit. Thank God he's nowhere near Peter, who'd probably hit him on purpose anyway- for _fun._

But Al pauses for a second, contemplates, and does exactly what I fear. "No," he says.

"Why not?" Eric responds instantaneously. "Are you afraid?" There it is – that voice that pretends to be so kind and concerned on the surface but is really just heartless as that knife inside- the voice I hate.

"Of getting stabbed by an airborne knife?" says Al indignantly- he's going too far, I want to tell him to stop- "Yes, I am!"

Eric looks ready for this answer. "Everyone stop!" he shouts.

The knives stop flying, and everybody stands pillar-still, hands stiff by their sides. This is kind of intimidation and terror Eric traffics in.

"Clear out of the ring," he commands. "All except you." He looks at Al savagely.

I know what is going to happen and knowing Eric, it will end with a lost eye or pierced throat or worse. I have to restrain myself from lurching over at his heights of inhumanity. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand it.

"Stand in front of the target," says Eric. Al's hands are shaking as he obeys, but he knows that defiance is pointless now. It comes to the choice all over again- be factionless or die.

"Hey, Four." Eric looks over his shoulder. "Give me a hand here, huh?"

I breathe a quiet sigh of relief. If I am the one throwing the knives Al is much less likely to get injured. But all chances are, he will still end up factionless. As reward for being logical. And because _I_ pissed Eric off.

"You're going to stand there as he throws those knives," Eric tells Al, "until you learn not to flinch." Then he turns to me and smiles wide. _Wildhound._

I pick up a handful of knives and try to act casual, even scratching my eyebrow with a knife point at one point, but I don't feel casual- I feel sick. This is vicious and cruel and serves no point, and every cell in my brain is going against this, _begging_ me not to do this.

"Is this really necessary?" in what I hope is a casual and bored voice.

Eric turns to me and gives such a look of contempt and loathing that I realize immediately that that was a huge mistake. I just challenged his authority directly and if anything, that will only make this worse.

"I have the authority here, remember?" Eric says slowly, savoring every word of it. "Here, and everywhere else."

Color rushes into my face. I can't answer back to him and I can't argue that point.

I tighten my grip on the knives, so hard that my knuckles turn white. I face Al with a determined look; I am _not_ going to hurt him. Considering how he is shaking, he will flinch even if I throw the knives a foot away and that will have to satisfy Eric.

I've just passed the first knife to my right hand when Tris speaks up- I know it's her because her voice is low for a girl's -" _Stop_ it."

I glare at her as hard as I can, but she won't back down now. She is a fool for doing this. I want to tell her- yell at her to _shut up,_ but then Eric will know, and we will both be doomed.

"Any idiot can stand in front of a target," she goes on. "It doesn't prove anything except that you're bullying us. Which, as I recall, is a sign of _cowardice_."

Eric recovers from his surprise quickly. "Then it should be easy for you, if you're willing to take his place."

She walks towards the target, shoulders pulled back, back straight and jaw set. I am so tempted to put my face in my hands and say that I can't do this, but then Eric will, and I can't let that happen. I am _not a coward, I am Four_ , and I can do this.

"There goes your pretty face," hisses Peter. "Oh, wait. You don't have one."

Peter's right- she's not pretty, she's _beautiful._ She belongs here with her hard determination and fierceness but at the same time she doesn't- with her sharpness and understanding of people and everything soft about her. She's like no one I've ever met. Looking at her is like waking up.

I need to make her strong. This will be easier for me if she is strong and she is most strong where she's most Abnegation- in her heart. "If you flinch," I say, slowly, "Al takes your place. Understand?"

She nods.

I keep my eyes firmly on hers. I draw in a long breath. I've done this so many times before, my aim is always perfect, I will _not hit her._ I can't pause for too long- Eric's sharp eyes are like vultures and he knows I can aim in a matter of seconds. I don't think about it- I just pull back my elbow and throw the knife. It sticks in the board, half a foot away from her cheek. _So far so okay._

I risk a swift glance at Eric- he looks bored- unimpressed.

 _So far, so not okay._

She's closed her eyes. "You about done, Stiff?" I ask.

 _Stiff._ _That's why she's strong._

"No."

"Eyes open, then." I tap the spot between my eyebrows. I don't need her eyes to be on mine, but I feel better when they are.

I exhale and throw again, and this time the knife lands a few inches above her head.

I look at Eric again but he's surveying me with a frown on his face. He knows- for a second it's like he _knows_ I have a thing for her so he's going to make me throw knives at her head until I screw it all up permanently.

 _I'm just being paranoid._ He couldn't possible know- he can't. He's had information about me to lore over me once before- when we were initiates- when he found out my real name and I won't give him the chance again.

I have to prove to him that she's another initiate and I have to do it _now_. I don't want to do this, I really don't, but I pick a spot – the quick healing cartilage on the top of her ear and aim. An inch in either direction I could hurt her, but I have no other choice than to trust the one thing I've been good at since the moment I came here.

"Come on, Stiff," I say. "Let someone else stand there and take it."

Taunting her will make her angry, and her anger makes her strong- another similarity between me and her.

"Shut _up_ , Four!" she yells. At least that part of the plan worked.

My heart beating at one thousand beats per minute does not exist. My sweaty palms and mind trapped with fear, _do_ _not exist_. I let go of the knife at the last second and look without looking, and then finally _look._ I nicked her ear, like I aimed for, but the rest of her is unharmed. I breathe a deep sigh of relief this time.

"I would love to stay and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is," says Eric, before I have a chance to see how he took it, "but I think that's enough for today."

He claps her shoulder and adds, "I should keep my eye on you."

I should be worrying about that but right now, I just focus on the fact that hopefully, this means Eric's suspicions are gone and he'll leave me alone for a while.

All the initiates start to leave, but Tris hangs back and she looks _furious._

I did what I had to do.

"Is your—" I begin.

"You did that on _purpose_!" she shouts.

"Yes, I did," I say calmly. _Mistake._ It annoys her even more. "And you should thank me for helping you."

" _Thank_ you?" she says incredulously. "You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?"

"You know, I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!" I say and stare levelly at her. She's smart; she can figure it out. I'm sure as hell not going to stand here and _tell_ her why I did what I did.

"Catch on? Catch on to what? That you wanted to prove to Eric how tough you are? That you're sadistic, just like he is?"

The words pierce me like the knives I just threw at her head. _She thinks I'm sadistic?_

My eyes flutter for a second and then I say very quietly, so quietly I can barely hear myself. "I am not sadistic." I say it like I mean it but it comes out more like I am trying to convince myself of it. "If I wanted to hurt you, don't you think I would have already?" I add. I don't know what she's going to take that to mean, but I know that I'm not ready for her to figure it out about me just yet.

I cross the room and slam the point of my remaining knife into the table with all the energy I can muster, letting out some of my frustration and then storm out of the room, not bothering to shut the door behind me.

My manic pace carries me halfway to my apartment before I stop and collapse against the wall, covering my face with my hands.

I feel weak and I'm _not_ a crier, but I'm blinking back tears right now. She thinks I'm sadistic and she may as well be nearly right- I did nothing to stop Eric that day by the chasm, I angered him yesterday just for the greed of beating him at some stupid Dauntless game, let Tris' risk her life to win it and hurt her to protect myself from Eric today. I may not be sadistic but I'm _just as cruel_ as he is. I feel sick to my stomach.

I have one job that I value- to see this last batch of initiates under my care safely through initiation. And I'm doing a hell of a shitty job at it.

I might as well leave to be factionless already if I can't do any good here. But there's no one to take my place who would stand up to Eric anyways and I will only make everything worse. I might not belong in Dauntless anymore, but I can't take the coward's way out. I think about Tris and her eyes full of anger and hurt. She may as well hate me, but I can't leave now.

I like her too much. There, I said it. But I won't say it again.

* * *

A/N: Can we just talk about what happened up there? No, you're too busy watching your heart melting? Okay.

Let's take a moment to celebrate the commencement of my long chapters streak.

Reviews are shining stars! (no pun intended)

Love, SilverStars


	11. Demons

A/N: I hope you've read the original book recently enough to remember what Molly and Peter and Drew did to Tris early morning in the dormitory, but if you don't, you might want to refresh your memory before you read this chapter!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Veronica A Roth.

* * *

 _Chapter 11-  
Demons_

Today is the day before Visiting Day and the last day of stage one, the final fights, the final chance for these initiates to up their rank and make it through stage one.

I've just finished making the matches for the fights when Tris walks or rather, storms into the training room, fuming with rage, fury ablaze in her eyes and – if I look carefully- her hands trembling- a different side to her- a side I haven't exactly seen before. I stop and gape for a second. I guess she's still mad about how I threw knives at her head yesterday.

I'm mad about it too.

Will gets to fight Myra today. One good hit and she's done. I lean against the wall and yawn but then immediately feel bad about it. Myra might be Dauntless in terms of courage, even if she isn't strong, but I guess we'll never find out since she'll be factionless before the start of stage two anyways. I look towards Eric and sigh.

Al takes a few hits and goes down so quickly, even Eric is beginning to wonder if he's doing it on purpose. I paired him with his friend, Christina today in the hopes that she'd convince him to actually fight her, but who was I kidding, Christina is no Abnegation.

Edward with Peter- number one and number two fight finally; Edward is the only one who can beat Peter. I bet Edward could take on Eric in combat and still win. He'd lose to me of course, even if he's been studying combat since the age of ten as they say. Their fight is long drawn-out, but Peter loses in the end. Neither of those two needs to worry about being factionless anyway.

It's nearly lunch time by the time Tris steps up into the ring and her fury hasn't died down one bit. In all chances, she's going to be factionless if she doesn't win this fight but she'd be factionless if I paired her with a weaker opponent anyway, because then she wouldn't score enough points to get her rank up.

I push the thought out of my mind. I was planning to be factionless too anyways, I could always join her.

I turn back to the fight. There's something unusual about her right now- something I can't place and it's creeping me out. There's that usual determination on her face and then there's this… coldness- no, that can't be right.

"Was that a birthmark I saw on your left butt cheek?" Molly says, up in the ring. "God, you're pale, Stiff."

 _What is she talking about?_

It doesn't matter. Tris has proven herself to be immune to taunting. She wants to win this fight- I can see it.

Molly starts toward her, throwing her weight into a punch, but Tris ducks and dodges. She runs at her again and Tris darts out of the way a second time.

I smile a little to myself. Tris is as fast as Molly is slow and as long as she remembers that fact, there's no reason why Tris shouldn't win.

She blocks her next punch and her next again. She's trying to goad Molly into acting rashly and it's working, she gets annoyed, grunts and tries to aim a kick while she's still off balance. And Tris takes it- takes the opening and delivers a well aimed jaw punch. _That was a move I've made more than once._

Molly punches Tris in the ribs in retaliation, but she's not using her full power because she's panting and out of breath from trying to stop Tris dodging her.

She needs to punch her stomach – which Molly's leaving unprotected, always does. I could have told her that, but I can't be unfair to the rest, it's something Eric would do, and I am not stooping to his level. But she's smart enough on her own- she pauses for a second, surveys and I _know_ she's figured it out half a second before she punches her in the stomach- hard and then kicks her feet (not the most conventional combat move) and she's down in no time- flat out onto the dusty mat.

I expect Tris to walk off the ring then but, to my surprise she pulls her foot back and kicks her in the ribs- even harder. Molly curls into a ball on the floor to protect her side, and she kicks again, hitting her in the stomach.

 _What the hell is she doing?_ Molly's already lost for heaven's sake.

Tris kicks again, hitting her in the face this time. Blood from her nose coats her face.

 _Something is wrong- something **must** be wrong._

She starts to aim another kick but I walk up there and firmly restrain her arms, pulling her away from the ring with irresistible force. I don't care if it will make her hate me even more but I can't watch her hurt Molly anymore.

"You won," I mutter. "Stop."

She wipes the sweat from her forehead and stares at me. She's shaking. It's unnerving me- it's like I'm looking at Tris- but I'm seeing something else entirely- _a monster_ with a coldness as bitter as the cold wind that blows during the worst snowstorm in Chicago .

I'm in half a mind to ask her what the hell is wrong with her.

I don't.

Instead I say, "I think you should leave. Take a walk."

"I'm fine," she says. "I'm fine now." And again.

I've never seen her like this- so brutal, so savage, so… non-Abnegation, but then I guess everyone has that one side. I think about how I've considered throwing a knife at Eric's head more than once. I don't know what Molly or anyone else did to put her in this frenzy but it must have been something bad, because the Tris I know isn't like this, never this bad. Or maybe, she just wanted to get her rank up – last day of stage one.

No, that can't be. Tris _is_ still Abnegation- more than half of her is and the Abnegation _do not_ approve of kicking people when they're already down.

Everyone has demons. I for one, do. Maybe I saw one of her's today. And I'd like to sit with her sometime, discover them all, as ugly as they might be, because I can assure you, mine are uglier.

* * *

A/N: Deep, dark and complicated- the kind of chapter I love (yes, I'm strange, deal with it).


	12. Identities

A/N: Story gonna move fast now!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Veronica A. Roth.

* * *

 _Chapter 12-  
Identities_

 _Visiting Day._ It feels so unnatural to wake up when the sun is already bright and shining overhead, but I allowed myself to switch off my alarm and sleep in today. It just means less time spent hiding from the world in my flat.

My first Visiting Day, I knew my father wouldn't come to see and well, I believed my mother to be dead, but I sat there by the only part of the chasm with a railing, looking out towards the entrance, hoping against all hope that he would come. And when he inevitably didn't, I got up at seven in the evening and walked back to the transfers dormitory and stayed there until Amar came looking for me when I didn't show up for training the next day.

My second Visiting Day, I refused to step foot outside my house or look at a single person, I stayed holed up in my room all day until the day and the memories it carried with it passed.

I've made more progress already this year although I didn't believe I would be able to. I've dragged myself out of bed, washed and dressed and made it out and about in the Dauntless compound. My feet drag me automatically, back to the same section of the chasm- the one with the railing. I'm thinking about the day two years ago when I stood there, leaning against it, eyes fixed at the visitors entrance and nerves still getting used to the height. I seem to be thinking back to two years ago a lot lately.

Something about the memory, standing at that exact same spot is becoming excruciatingly painful the longer I stand there. I can't start thinking about my father. I can't. I look away from the railing and I'm about to go back to my apartment, thinking this is enough for one day, I've made it this far, when I spot Tris standing at the railing with her mother- Natalie Prior- Andrew's wife. Andrew Prior was the closest thing to a friend my father could have. I've seen him and his family come to our house for dinner while I watched from the top of the stairs, countless times. I realize that in all the time after I recognized Tris, I never wondered where her brother went.

I'm almost glad for the distraction from my thoughts, even if it means talking to someone from my former faction _. She won't recognize you,_ I tell myself. _You looked different back then, and she barely ever saw you._

She offers me her hand. "Hello. My name is Natalie," she says. "I'm Beatrice's mother."

 _Beatrice._ It sounds so unnatural said aloud. I half-glance at her. She's glaring at me resolutely. I guess she's still mad at me about the knives. At least the coldness I saw in her eyes yesterday is gone.

I shake hands with her twice, uneasily. I hope she can't tell I was originally Abnegation from my awkward handshake. I've just never grasped the familiarity that everyone seems to associate with handshakes.

"Four," I say. "It's nice to meet you." I almost said Tobias. My former faction is coming back to me, talking to someone in grey clothes.

"Four," she echoes, smiling. "Is that a nickname?" She smiles a lot. And she has a really pretty smile. I can see where Tris gets her beauty from.

"Yes." I say shortly, changing the topic. "Your daughter is doing well here. I've been overseeing her training." _She's not, but she'll make it through stage one. And I need Tris to forgive me and this is my little way of showing her that I care about her. I know she's Abnegation. She doesn't want her mother to worry about her._

Tris narrows her eyes and frowns at me. I pay no attention.

"That's good to hear," Natalie says. "I know a few things about Dauntless initiation, and I was worried  
about her."

I don't register until much later that the only way she could've known anything about FDauntless initiation at all was if she was originally from Dauntless. I'm too busy comparing them- mother and daughter. Tris doesn't have her mother's soft and elegant features but she has the same set jaw, the same determination lining her mouth and the same sparkle in her eyes. She looks like her mother in all the subtle ways. The ways that make her stand out to me.

"You shouldn't worry." I repeat.

All of a sudden, Natalie tilts her head. "You look familiar for some reason, Four."

 _Shit. Shit. Shit._ She must have a better memory than I anticipated. Fear pulses through me again. "I can't imagine why," I replies, as cold as possible. "I don't make a habit of associating with the Abnegation."

I expect her to be offended but she smiles. "Few people do, these days. I don't take it personally," she says, good naturedly.

She seems to have bought the coldness act. I relax a little. Then I make a quick getaway. "Well, I'll leave you to your reunion," I nod, before she can survey me long enough to remember where she's seen me before.

It's one o clock already; I've made it almost half an hour outside. I call that progress for one day and head back to my flat- I have the initiates' final rankings left to calculate, a better prospect than facing lunch today.

I might go out later again today but for now, I've had one hell of a visiting Day, meeting Tris's mother and nearly getting my real identity exposed. But for some reason, the thought doesn't scare me as much as it should. Maybe I _want_ to tell her- Tris- my real identity. I don't know _why_ , but I think I do.


	13. War, Both In and Out

A/N: The beginning of the action; also I steered clear of all gory descriptions, I hope that's a relief!

Disclaimer: Main characters belong to Veronica A. Roth!

* * *

 _Chapter 13_  
 _War, Both In and Out_

I go back to the dormitory later that night to give the initiates their rankings. They're pretty much as expected- except Tris, beating Molly gave her just enough points to get into sixth place.

Thank God it did, otherwise I might have had to manipulate the rankings to keep her safe (although she may not be safe here, not if she's Divergent and Eric's watching her) and I never would've been able to cut someone else unfairly.

She's not supposed to, but Lauren told me the lowest Dauntless- born rankings last week and that is how I now, only Al and Myra will be factionless from this lot. I still feel a twinge of anger at Eric for that, but I really have better things to worry about now-a-days.

For those of you who just came in, I'm explaining how the ranks are determined," I say as the last lot of initiates gets back from dinner. "After the first round of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level. The number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don't reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice."

I give Peter a sharp glare. I still haven't forgotten about how he hurt Tris. _But Tris hurt Molly too._ I feel her eyes on me, but I don't look at her, not now.

"If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent. Stage two of training is weighted more heavily than stage one, because it is more closely tied to overcoming cowardice," I add. "That said, it is extremely difficult to rank high at the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one."

"We will announce the cuts tomorrow. The fact that you are transfers and the Dauntless-born initiates are not will not be taken into consideration." _Another amazing Eric move._

"Four of you could be factionless and none of them. Or four of them could be factionless and none of you. Or any combination thereof. That said, here are your ranks."

I hang the board on the hook and step back and even as I do, my eyes are on Tris, anticipating her reaction.

My eyes move with hers, down the board.

1\. Edward  
2\. Peter  
3\. Will  
4\. Christina  
5\. Molly  
6\. Tris

She stops at her name. There's surprise on her face, but only for a fraction of a second, it quickly changes back to worry as she skims through the rest of the list.

7\. Drew  
8\. Al  
9\. Myra

Her eyes stop dead on Al's name. Of course, she's Abnegation. _Just like you._

There's more than a shadow of fear on Al's face, He knows, he pretty much knows he's done but there's still that lingering hope. I wish I could tell him today that he's factionless and get it over with, but I can give him one more night of hope so I will.

Hope's just always there, it never really goes away, even when the odds are stacked against you, it's as life-sustaining as oxygen maybe, but I see none of it on Myra's face. But what surprises me, is that I see no fear either, just cold, hard acceptance. She would've been good at the second stage maybe, she's closer to fearless than some of them, but we'll never find out. _Thanks to Eric._

Molly on the other hand, is full throttle mad. "What?"she demands."I beat her! I beat her in _minutes_ , and she's ranked _above_ me?" She's pointing at Christina.

I grin in my head. I love seeing these pompous big-mouth Candor get what's coming to them.

"If you intend to secure yourself a high rank, I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low ranked opponents," I say smugly and walk out, leaving them to their deliberations.

Halfway down the hallway, I realize that Peter didn't say anything. Between Tris, Al, Myra and Molly's stupid complaints I completely forgot to check whether our resident psychopath was satisfied with number two or not, but then again I already know the answer to that. People like him can never be satisfied unless they're first, Eric certainly wasn't but there's nothing he could do about it.

Something, maybe intuition tells me that Edward will beat Peter at Stage two too.

 _(II)_

I wake up early the next morning to go for a run down the block. I'm thinking maybe I'll switch it up this time and get _outside_ the Dauntless compound for a bit when I see Tori waking in the opposite direction on the sidewalk.

I slow my pace down to a jog as she approaches. "Hey, Tori," I call out. "What brings you up and about so early in the morning?"

Tori and I have had a long-standing friendship from the time she administered my aptitude test. She's just a few years older than me and she was the one who gave me my biggest tattoo- the one with all the faction symbols on my back.

She sighs and then suddenly frowns at me. "I thought someone would've told you," she says slowly.

"Told me what?"

"The nurse- Zoya- we're friends, she told me, asked me to come over, because some boy- he got stabbed in the eye with a knife, she thinks another initiate did it, I told her that I'll report it for her…" she finishes.

For a second my mind goes completely blank, but as I start to process the words, I see it. There's only one person who could've done this. Peter. And one person who he would do it to. Edward.

I was wrong when I said he couldn't do anything about it; he's willing to cross lines even Eric wouldn't. _Or would he?_ But _I_ survived initiation. Even though I beat him.

I bend forward and hold me knees to catch my breath, not because I'm tired from running but because the fact that Peter would go to such lengths to come out ahead of everyone else is making me sick. _It's not even like he was going to be factionless._

I want to say something, anything but my throat has gone dry. "File the initial report with Max," I croak finally. Tori just nods and hurries away, a slightly puzzled expression on her face.

This can't be happening. I sit down carefully on the sidewalk- there aren't many people around at this time. This is what happens when you make the initiation process so competitive. This is all Eric's doing. All because of his goddamn _lunatic_ rules.

But Max will take care of it, I know he will. Max has always been the one- and maybe only- anchor to humanity leader in Dauntless. I wonder if I should visit Edward in the infirmary, but then I decide against it. I need to focus on other things.

Feeling too weak to finish my run, I walk back to my apartment quietly and then change and head out to the control room. I haven't had a lot of time to spend there between training the initiates and 'taking my mind off things' but we have a day off today and I can't waste it.

About a week before training started, I caught multiple video footages of Jeanine Matthews and a small group of Erudite, entering the compound and then the recording going black. Leaders are the only ones authorized to suspend CCTV recording and I can't imagine anyone else who works here asking questions without losing their jobs, but that doesn't mean that I stopped investigating.

Dauntless aren't very good with security and I do have a bit of Erudite in me and I was originally from Abnegation- a lucky combination of factors which led me to find some confidential documents on their servers, a few hours after beginning my search and immediately recognize plans – maps of the Abnegation sectors- majorly the one where the council members, and my father, live.

War is coming, I don't know how or when, but it is. And I need to know more.

 _(III)_

I spend over three hours searching for more evidence, facts, specifics, but that metal lump of hardware yields nothing, making me extremely frustrated when I move to the dining hall for lunch, but I keep my expression neutral.

To my surprise, _no one_ is talking about Edward at lunch, it's almost as if no one has heard. _Could Tori have forgotten to report it to Max?_ I make a mental note to ask her about it later.

I'm about to go back to searching, when Eric catches my eye and gives me a smug look for a split second and then goes back to eating cake like nothing happened. _So he knows, then_.

I really have no idea what's going on here.

When another few hours of fruitless searching amounts to nothing, I give up and make my way back to my apartment to find Eric waiting outside my door.

 _This day is getting weirder by the minute._

"Where were you, Four?" he says. "Do you really skip dinner that often?"

"What I was doing, was getting some real work done, unlike some lazy fat-heads who get paid to boss people around all day," I reply smoothly.

"Well, well, Four," he continues. "I just wanted to let you know, between Edward's… departure and his girlfriend quitting herself, there are no transfer cuts to be announced. Now if you'll excuse me, I and the other _fat-heads_ , who by the way would love to hear that you called them that, have a little trip to take." And he leaves, leaving me staring after him in confusion.

For a minute, I don't know what's worse, Edward getting stabbed in the eye or what I would have had to do otherwise, tell two people that they're factionless- that they made the wrong choice by choosing Dauntless, but then my mind shifts to the bigger question- 'departure'? Are they actually not going to acknowledge what happened? I'm about to go storming off to talk to Max myself right this very moment, when I remember what Eric just said- they- the leaders- 'have a trip to take', to where, I have no idea.

Resigning myself to the fact that there's nothing more I can do right now, I get changed for bed. I will ask Max about this tomorrow. I will. But until then, I have to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a long day.

* * *

A/N : I know I've said this before, but I am so sorry for the time it took to update this! Future content gonna be super quick, oh, and I have something especially wicked planned!

Love,  
SilverStars


	14. Proof

A/N: I think we could call this chapter the preface to the storm. REVIEWS people, show some love y'all

Disclaimer: All characters belong to V. A. Roth

Side note: Y'all may remember this scene from 'Four' (which is why I kept it short) but it _was_ super essential so I rewrote it as suited to my story!

* * *

 _Chapter 14-  
Proof_

"Four. What was so important that you had to wake me up before seven?" says Max as he opens the door for me to step into his quarters.

His eyes are still half-shut and steps unsure, but he makes no effort to hide it. _Must've gotten back late last night from his field trip then._

"Sorry, sir," I say quickly. "I was aware that you went out yesterday, but I'd like to get over with this before training starts today."

"How do you know that we went to Er- somewhere?" he asks sharply.

I am a little taken aback by the sharpness but I recover quickly enough to say, "Eric mentioned it." "Sir," I add, seeing his eyebrows go up.

He ignores that. "Did Eric tell you _where_ we went?" he asks, careful, calculated.

"No, sir. He just mentioned it in passing that you had a train to catch."

"Hmm…" says Max, casually. But he relaxes.

He has something to hide then.

"So, what brings you here Four?" he asks again, yawning.

I shrug off mild irritation. "Sir, I wanted to ask if you need any help with the Edward situation. I know who did it- it was another initiate- Peter. I could get testimony from other initiates in that dormitory if you need it to convict him-"

"Wait, what?" Max cuts me off. "What do you mean Edward situation? And who said anything about convicting anyone?"

 _What?_ No, this has to be a mistake. Maybe Max hasn't heard about this. Maybe Eric applauded Peter for his determination and made Edward quit and left it at that, without referring it to any of the other leaders.

"Sir, Edward, the first ranking initiate was stabbed in the eye last night in the-" I start, but he cuts me off again.

"Yes, yes I know, boy was stabbed, became factionless. What about it?"

This is _not_ the Max I know. There's something wrong. "Sir, it was done by another initiate," I say quickly.

"We don't have proof of that." He sighs, and for a second I actually believe that he wants there to be consequences for Peter and I'm about to pipe up eagerly and say that I can get us proof, that one of the initiates in the dormitory would've seen something, when he continues-

"- and in any case, we cannot accelerate this further. Edward, he was…" He pauses for a second, deliberating. "… he was on his way to becoming a faction leader, Jeanine placed- this could seriously damage our relationship with Erudite if this reaches them. But fortunately, Eric was able to come up with a reasonable explanation- he was dismissed because he snuck out of the compound and got himself injured. Work of the factionless probably. Jeanine won't look to go asking questions there. It's a good thing perhaps; Eric thinks Peter's more suited for the job…"

I am staring at him in complete disbelief. Since when do we care, what the Erudite think? Oh wait, since we're going to help them defeat Abnegation. I came here intending to get Peter cut, instead I've received proof that this war _is_ going to happen and the thought, the absolute, irrevocable proof makes me dizzy.

"Sir… he could do this again," I say, steadying myself. "We need to stop him. No matter what the Erudite think."

"We can't," Max replies firmly. "There's nothing you can do. Stay out of it."

"But-"

"No, buts. Do I look like I want to lose my job or my standing with the other leaders?"

"Sir-"

"That's it." He raises his voice. "You have a job to do and you're going to go and do it. Don't bother me with this again. Am I clear?"

I don't bother replying, just walk away, shutting the door quietly behind me.

This is what this place does. Corrupts everyone. Even Max. Max was the one person I trusted here after Amar's death, the one person I could always go to. And now even he's left me to become more 'Dauntless'.

I need to pull myself together. I have a bunch of simulations to conduct before this day is over.

* * *

A/N: Dark times are coming. Also v. v. long chapter coming up!


	15. Too Many Questions & Some Vulnerability

A/N: I finally got this done, just in time for the new year, at least we end on a good chapter! Hope y'all enjoy this one!

Disclaimer: Shout out to V. A. Roth— this story has been the highlight of this year and it wouldn't exist without you!

* * *

Chapter 15- Too Many Questions and Some Vulnerability

Between my earlier conversation with Max and administering a bunch of simulations that take all afternoon and beyond, having to watch the widely varied fears, over and over again, fourteen times, this day really couldn't get any worse. Well actually it could, but Eric's not here today so thank god for that.

Simulations are never easy, especially not the first time. Most of them take anywhere between twenty to twenty-five minutes to get out of it, and usually after the first three to four minutes, I'm done watching them. I use the time to let my thoughts consume me, and just before the simulation ends, I snap back to it.

I find a rhythm in it, steady enough that I don't need a watch to tell me the time.

I leave Peter for one of the last, and when it is his turn, I barely look at him because if I do, I know I will lash out and I can't have that happening because he will run to Eric to whine about it as sure as he's going to face this simulation today.

It's past lunchtime and I'm already exhausted from this when I finally call Tris in.

Okay, so here it is. I've been thinking about it all through the simulations and I still don't know what to expect. I'm so good at reading people and then she comes along, just a skinny Stiff and suddenly I'm questioning my abilities altogether because she never fails to surprise me. Her actions, her words, just— _everything_ about her is like the workings of the universe— I can't figure it out. And seeing inside her head will be something … It's like you don't know anything about someone and then suddenly you're asked to look inside their heads and watch their worst fears unfold.

And it scares me. And it also excites me. And I have no idea what to make of it.

Either way, I just have to get this over with, sit back and watch this happen.

I touch her shoulder to guide her into the room and close the door.

She stops and pauses as she enters. She looks like she's about to say something. Maybe she's still mad about the knife-throwing. Or maybe she finally gets it and she's going to apologize for calling me sadistic.

But she doesn't say anything.

It takes me a few more seconds to realize that she's staring at the simulation machine. Maybe someone told her what this is all about. Not being able to read her is worse than I thought.

"Sit," I say, squeezing her arms and pushing her forward — the only thing left to do— carry on with this task.

"What's the simulation?" she asks. I'm not surprised that she recognized the simulation apparatus from the aptitude test- nearly everyone did but I can't help but notice that her voice is shaking.

"Ever hear the phrase 'face your fears'? We're taking that literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation," I say normally. Scientifically. The only way to take my mind off what I'm going to see next.

"Do you ever administer the aptitude tests?" she asks as I'm preparing the syringe.

"No," I reply. "I avoid Stiffs as much as possible." That actually comes out harsher than I expected, but maybe that's the way I want to say that biting piece of truth.

"Why?" she asks. That's the other problem with her. She asks too many questions. No, she not afraid to ask the questions that everyone else is too scared of me to ask. And for some completely unexplainable reason, I actually find myself wanting to answer them when they come from her.

But I have more self control than that. I can't. "Do you ask me that because you think I'll actually answer?" say.

"Why do you say vague things if you don't want to be asked about them?"

I ignore her comment and approach her with the syringe. Loose strands of hair drape the side of her neck. I take my time moving them aside. The skin on her neck is soft and I can feel the softness soothe my rough fingers and I think I really like the shape of her skin, that set curve complete with the hard determination I've seen so often, and I wonder if I'll see it in the simulation too.

She's looking at me when I turn back to her face. "An injection?" she asks.

I prefer to keep it quick and not to tell them what's going on until the needle's in because this way I can avoid the teary eyes from the vast majority of people who are afraid of the pinch, but she doesn't seem to mind.

"We use a more advanced version of the simulation here," I explain, "a different serum, no wires or  
electrodes for you."

"How does it work without wires?" That's kind of unusual. You'd think she'd be concerned with more important stuff like how to beat the simulation, but nope. Oh well, I guess I _expected_ to be surprised.

"Well, _I_ have wires, so I can see what's going on, but for you, there's a tiny transmitter in the serum that sends data to the computer."

Before I can think about it twice, I ease the tip of the needle into the tender skin on the side of her neck. She winces a little. Well, I shouldn't be surprised but some of the initiates squealed so loud I thought the sound might have reached those on the other side of the door.

I lapse into my usual explanation. "The serum will go into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test. In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions—like fear—and then induces a hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down—that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing."

I see the fear start to kick in and I realize this is the first time I've actually seen her afraid and it sends something piercing through my heart. I place my hands on either side of her head and lean close, right before her eyes close.

"Be brave, Tris," I whisper. "The first time is always the hardest."

Then I turn to the computer screen and take a deep breath. I'm going to watch this.

On the screen is a field of dry grass, a yellow sky and Tris standing there in the middle being attacked by a huge crow. I'm stupid enough, for one second, to assume that this is it, she's afraid of crows, but then I quickly realize that this is a lot bigger than that— as more and more crows arrive, this is about not being able to control the environment more than anything else. Maybe this is a manifestation of her transfer to Dauntless- new environments.

Maybe if I continue to analyze her fear long enough, it'll end faster.

I shift my eyes back to the screen. Big mistake. She's screaming and crying as she's trying to fight off the birds now, and I can't see her this way, I can't. I want to jump in there and protect her but I can't. All I can do as she struggles is sit silently and bite my lip, hoping that this will end soon.

I barely register the time when the monitor beeps, signaling the end of the simulation.

In her chair, Tris flies forward with a start and screams, brushing off things that aren't there- hitting empty. And then she pulls her knees to her chest and starts sobbing.

Seeing, her like this— it breaks something inside me.

"Tris," I say awkwardly, putting my hand on her shoulder.

A hand flies out, hitting my stomach. Don't touch me!"she chokes out between sobs.

"It's over," I say, uncertainly touching her hair. I need to know if she's okay.

Then my eyes fall on the clock on the opposite wall. Three minutes. That's how long she spent in the simulation, even though I can barely believe it. It honestly felt like an eternity.

"Tris," I say again.

I'm not going to let her go venturing anywhere by herself in this condition, at least until she calms down a little, but the sooner she leaves this room, the easier it'll be for her to wash off the aftermath of the hallucination.

"Tris, I'm going to take you back to the dorms, okay?" I say. What I don't add is _I won't be able to live with myself if I don't see you till there safely._

"No!" she snaps immediately "They can't see me…not like this…"

 _Really? She just went through a terrifying hallucination and that's what she's worried about?_ "Oh, calm down," I say and roll my eyes. "I'll take you out the back door."

"I don't need you to…"

She's literally trembling. "Nonsense," I say sharply, grabbing her arm and steering her towards the door.

She doesn't put up a fight but I can _feel_ her emotions simmering beneath the silence.

We're just a few hundred yards away from the room when she yanks her arm away and comes to a halt.

"Why did you do that to me?"she bursts out. "What was the point of that, huh? I wasn't aware that when I chose Dauntless, I was signing up for weeks of torture! "

I need to stay calm right now. That's the only way to counteract panic and anger. "Did you think overcoming cowardice would be easy?" I say smoothly.

"That isn't overcoming cowardice! Cowardice is how you decide to be in real life, and in real life, I am not getting pecked to death by crows, Four! " She's almost screaming and then just as suddenly, she leans against the wall and starts to cry.

I don't say anything, I just watch her. I don't know how to respond to this, I've never seen her—or _anyone_ for that matter, like this before.

"I want to go home," she says so quietly, that I wonder if I imagined it.

That gets me to my senses. I think about that day, during Capture the Flag, where the only thing that saved Tris hanging from the Ferris wheel was my- every Dauntless'— trained ability to stay calm in tough situations.

"Learning how to think in the midst of fear," I say, using my intimidating firm, quiet voice, "is a lesson that everyone, even your Stiff family, needs to learn. That's what we're trying to teach you. If you can't learn it, you'll need to get the hell out of here, because we won't want you."

"I'm trying," she says. "But I failed. I'm failing."

I sigh. "How long do you think you spent in that hallucination, Tris?"

"I don't know. A half hour?"

"Three minutes," I tell her. It's hard to hide my admiration but even I've never gotten out that fast. "You got out three times faster than the other initiates. Whatever you are, you're not a failure."I smile a little. "Tomorrow you'll be better at this. You'll see."

"Tomorrow?"

I put my hand on her back and guide her towards the dormitory.

"What was your first hallucination?" she asks.

"It wasn't a 'what' so much as a 'who.'" I say, shrugging. "It's not important."

"And are you over that fear now?"

"Not yet. I may never be." We're outside the dormitory now.

"So they don't go away?"

"Sometimes they do. And sometimes new fears replace them. But becoming fearless isn't the point. That's impossible. It's learning how to control your fear, and how to be free from it, _that's_ the point." I tell her, although I _wish, so bad,_ that I could get rid of my fears.

"Anyway, your fears are rarely what they appear to be in the simulation," I add.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, are you really afraid of crows?" I say, smiling a little. It's hard to imagine, Tris the tough Abnegation girl being afraid of crows. "When you see one, do you run away screaming?"

"No. I guess not," she says.

She steps close, towards the same wall, and she's really close now but she keeps talking like she doesn't notice it.

"So what am I really afraid of?"

"I don't know," I say. "Only you can know."

She nods "I didn't know becoming Dauntless would be this difficult," she says, surprising me. It's not really like her to show vulnerability. Then again, I barely know her. I just know that there's electricity pulsing in the space between us and I want to step closer to her, but I shouldn't.

"It wasn't always like this, I'm told," I say. "Being Dauntless, I mean."

"What changed?" she asks.

"The leadership. The person who controls training sets the standard of Dauntless behavior. Six years ago Max and the other leaders changed the training methods to make them more competitive and more brutal, said it was supposed to test people's strength." I'm speaking against Max too now. "And that changed the priorities of Dauntless as a whole," I continue. " Bet you can't guess who the leaders' new protégé is."

She ponders over this for a moment and then says, careful and calculating, "So if you were ranked first in your initiate class, what was Eric's rank?"

"Second." I have no idea where this is going.

"So he was their second choice for leadership. And you were their first."

"What makes you say that?" I ask.

"The way Eric was acting at dinner the first night. Jealous, even though he has what he wants."

She's smart, I know that she'd have figured that out, but I don't know why it bothers me so much. Maybe I _want_ her to ask why I declined the offer but she doesn't. I wait.

She sniffs, wipes her face again and pats her hair. All her movements are so firm, so forceful yet natural.

Then she looks up at me and she's back to the Tris I saw tumble down into the net as first jumper, that day after the Choosing Ceremony, but I know she's not the same Tris altogether. She's changed in a million ways since she came here. So have I.

"Do I look like I've been crying?" she asks.

"Hmm." I say. Maybe if she can show some vulnerability, I can be a little vulnerable to my feelings too. Then we can be vulnerable together. I lean in close towards her _(stupid)_ , not bothering to fight off the smile that tugs at my lips.

"No, Tris," I say. "You look tough as nails."

* * *

A/N: I love Four and I love you all and it is so heartwarming and incredible to see how many beautiful souls out there are loving my take on Four! Thank you all 100 times for all the love and encouragement— this story wouldn't exist without you either!

Happy new year guys and see y'all next year with some more wicked chapters and hopefully, the conclusion of this story *sniffs*.

Lots of Love,  
SilverStars

P.S. Reviews make excellent New Year gifts!


	16. Drunk- Part I

A/N: I had so much fun writing this one! (basically I was role-play-acting, pretending to be drunk Four; oops I just told y all that)

* * *

 _Chapter 16- Real_

I'm not a big dreamer. And by that I mean, not that I don't have annoying senseless dreams when all I want to do is find sleep, but that I'm not the kind of person who has imaginative wild fantasies. But I'm sure as hell having them now.

 _Tris._ Her blue eyes sit up and demand attention. I like the way her blonde hair curls around the soft skin on her neck. I like the way she still wears plain clothes, like proud scars of her old faction. I like her thin, frail figure that really isn't all thin and frail inside— it's determined and headstrong. I like that she doesn't like showing weakness because then I feel like we match, because then we can be weak only when we're alone together. I like the soft curves of her mouth. I like her fierceness, they way her every action is deliberate, calculated, the way everything she says is precise, how she doesn't waste words. I like... _her._

I think maybe I wasn't supposed to say it again.

I take a long swig from the bottle that's almost empty in my hand, just as Shauna bursts into giggles beside me and leans on me for balance. I look to my side and see a row of empty bottles on the railing. I can't remember what drink I'm on.

I don't usually get drunk, not as often as my friends do, but I got convinced today without much ado, Zeke was right, although for completely different reasons than he thought— this day called for it. Revealing your emotions to other people can be _exhausting._

I think about earlier today, about leaning close to her, breathing the same air as her. She was close enough to kiss. _Stupid thought._

I'm giddy now. I start to lean in towards the rail for balance, but feel only air, when I remember that the chasm roars below. Then my fingers find the cold metal of the dangerously thin rail. I straighten up.

Yes, I can definitely hear the chasm roaring below if I drown out all other noise. It sends a surge of adrenaline through me and I feel my heart hammering fiercely, but I don't feel the fear. Not even the fear of the height.

Alcohol is something I love about Dauntless. I do. I love the feeling of not caring, _of not having to pretend_ , of being free from fear, free from all limits. Even if it's just for a few hours.

I push Shauna away lazily, and I start to laugh along with her laughs too. And then I'm laughing so hard that I have to grip the railing again for balance.

And then I see her, walking with her friends, off to somewhere, bright evening, you know?

"Tris," I call out.

She turns towards me and I see that she's done something to her eyes. They look …fuller. I think she drew on them with that black pencil thing. And she's wearing _Dauntless clothes_ , exposing her shoulders and collarbone. I like how she looks this way. I always thought of her as _Abnegation Tris_. _Now Dauntless Tris_ is standing in front of me, looking confused.

"You look different." I say sluggishly, the best translation I can come up with for my last twenty chains of thoughts under given circumstances.

"So do you," she says. I have no idea what that means.

"What are you doing?" she asks me. Now there's a question I think I know the answer to.

"Flirting with death," I reply. I laugh again. "Drinking near the chasm. Probably not a good idea…"

"No, it isn't." she says, but I barely register her response.

"Didn't know you had a tattoo," I say, looking at her collarbone. Three birds. Like in her simulation. "Right. The crows." I take another long swig from the bottle.

I look back at my friends. "I'd ask you to hang out with us, but you're not supposed to see me this way," I say. I see the empty bottle hanging limp in my hand.

She pauses. Or maybe it's my imagination. "What way?" she asks. "Drunk?"

"Yeah… no…" Drunk. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not right now, am I? Trains of thoughts come back to me. I can honestly feel the absence of the wall in my head that prevents me from being ... _real._ I can say _anything_ while it's down. "Real, I guess." I say.

I can say anything I want. It's a scary thought, but I don't feel fear right now.

"I'll pretend I didn't" she says immediately. She sounds different. Worried. Unsure maybe.

"That's nice of you." I tell her. I'm not even sure where I am right now. My vision narrows down, all I can see is Tris, in Dauntless clothes, looking _beautiful_ , standing in front of me, arms crossed.

I lean into her and whisper close to her ear, "You look good, Tris," and it comes out louder than I'd intended. _She smells good, though._

She laughs. She has _such_ a pretty laugh. "Do me a favor and stay away from the chasm, okay?" she says.

I have no idea what her words mean but I wink at her. "Of course," I say, heading back to the railings.

Zeke breaks off from the rest of the group and elbows me. "You look good?" he raises his eyebrows.

"You were listening?" I toss away the empty bottle in my hand and start to reach for a new one.

He elbows me even harder. _"You look good?"_ he repeats.

I stare at him, but I don't really _look_ at him, his face is blurring in my vision.

So like, you have a crush on her?" Zeke asks and I'm still staring at him.

 _Maybe. Yes._

"Who was she anyway?" Shauna interrupts.

"An initiate," I say, without thinking.

Zeke and Shauna both stare at me wide eyed. "What?" I ask, fiddling with the cap of a fresh bottle.

" _An initiate?"_ Zeke says again. _Are they repeating everything I'm saying or is it just my imagination?_

"So, she's like my sister's age?" asks Shauna.

Maybe I nod.

"Would it creep you out if Four and your sister got together?" Zeke asks her, grinning from head to toe.

"Why would he date Marlene?" says Shauna, making a face. "She's such a baby."

We all laugh at that, rolling over till we're gasping for breath and I'm so grateful that we're all so drunk that we won't remember any of this in the morning, like if that's even a possibility— me and Tris.

Maybe I _am_ having too many wild fantasies. Maybe it's an effect of being too drunk.

But I don't have to think about that right now. I don't have to think about anything right now. A fresh wave of giddiness rolls over me as I raise the newly opened bottle to my lips.

The next thing I remember, my head is hitting the wall of my room as I stumble into bed, and I have absolutely no idea what time it is.

* * *

A/N: I think drunk Four is my favourite character in the entire story so far.

Reviews are better than getting drunk.

Love,  
SilverStars


	17. Divergent

A/N: Quick update, all thanks to all your reviews! Thanks, guys!

* * *

 _Chapter 17-  
Divergent_

"It's just a simulation, Tris," I say, watching her breathe in and out, waiting for the syringe to pierce her skin and make the simulation go into effect. Some of the fear leaks through her efforts to hide it. Of course she's afraid of her _fears_. I don't know why it's still so hard to imagine Tris afraid.

My head still aches from all of last night's alcohol. And the worst part is I remember talking to Tris, while I was drunk, I remember thinking that she looked extra pretty yesterday, but I have no idea what I said out loud. I could have said anything— from 'I can't figure you out' to 'I really like you' (please, no) to 'you remind me of me'. I could've said _anything._ _Why did I get drunk, again?_

I push all the thoughts aside and ease the needle into the side of her neck.

She's trapped in a glass cage this time. And she's yelling for help but everyone's looking away. Including me. I'm about to look away from the screen here too, when she does it. She cracks the glass. I can hear the crash in my head even though the computer doesn't have audio. _She's Divergent._ I freeze and stare at the screen for a few seconds, not being able to believe my eyes. Yep, she cracked the glass.

I'm still in shock when she wakes up.

I was so caught up with all my feelings for her, all of last week that I completely forgot my suspicions that she was Divergent. _She's Divergent._ The fear that makes me feel is worse, worse, worse than _any_ of my simulations, even than my fear of Marcus. It's _real._

I'm looking at her when she gasps and awakes. I can't say anything. I'm scared, scared for her. And it's a foreign emotion to me, being scared _for_ someone else. I don't know if I can protect her from this, from the Dauntless leadership— she could end up dead, like Amar and Tori's brother and all the other Divergent when they find them. And I don't know if I can live with that. I look at her again. She's oblivious to what she's just revealed to me.

"What?" she asks.

"How did you do that?" I ask. There's still a chance. A chance it was just a glitch. It's unlikely.

"Do what?"

"Crack the glass."

"I don't know," she says. That's the Divergent answer. She's Divergent.

I finally offer her my hand, and she takes it, standing up straight. No sign of lingering fear. She's Divergent.

I sigh and grab her by the elbow, leading her out of the room. We walk quickly down the hallway, and just as we reach the place where the two security cameras are both out of their range, she stops pulling her arm back. I stare at her in silence. I have no idea what to say. I could yell if I open my mouth.

"What?" she demands.

"You're Divergent," I say softly. Saying the word feels dangerous, even though the hallway is empty.

She pauses too long for someone who's surprised. She knows then. Someone must have told her the word after her aptitude test. And said test administrator didn't report her. My bet's on Tori.

"What's Divergent?" she says.

"Don't play stupid," I snap. She needs to trust me if I'm going to protect her. "I suspected it before, but this time it's obvious. You manipulated the simulation; you're Divergent." I'm yelling now, but I don't care about being in her good graces at this moment. "I'll delete the footage, but unless you want to wind up _dead_ at the bottom of the chasm, you'll figure out how to hide it during the simulations! Now, if you'll excuse me."

I walk back to the control room as fast as I can. I'll have to come up with a good excuse to delete the footage. Eric will never believe me, unless, unless I add something embarrassing. And plead for his mercy. Eric may be Erudite, but his desire to see me grovel at his feet can over ride his Erudite instincts at any time.

I should delete a few other initiates' footage as well, just to draw attention away from Tris.

I quickly press the delete button instead of save. Then a flinch and make a show of anger for good reason. Let the CCTV footage from this room show that I made a mistake, in case they decide to check. I can always go back to the control room and delete the audio.

 _She's Divergent._ I press my fingertips to the side of my head. _Just when I thought I had enough to be going on with with her._

I can't believe that just five minutes ago I was worried about a headache and what I might've said to her while drunk.

 _(II)_

I find Eric at dinner, sitting down with the other Dauntless leaders. I choose that time, because it gives him authority, that I'm choosing to talk to him out of all the other leaders.

"Hey, Eric," I say, using my best I-respect-you voice. "Could I talk to you about something regarding the training please?"

As expected, my display of respect pleases him. The initiate who beat him during initiation, now his inferior. "Very well, Four," he says loud enough for the other leaders to hear, laying down his fork and standing up. "How long is this going to take?"

"Not long," I say politely.

I follow him down a stairwell. "What, Four?" he says, annoyed, the moment we're out of earshot. "You want me to oversee the simulations now too?" I want to tell him two things- one, that's the last thing I want in the world and two, I never wanted him to oversee any of the training in the first place, but instead, I bite down on my lip and put on my meek voice.

"So basically… I was drinking last night, and well, I was pretty hungover this morning and I accidently… deleted three or four simulation recordings from the day's training instead of saving them…"

Eric raises his eyebrows. He's positively delighted. "You deleted simulation recordings because you were hungover?" he says. "Four… that's a serious mistake, we might have to cut your pay for it or…" He is such a pompous brat. I want to punch him so badly, every nerve fiber in my body aches to do it, but no. _This is to protect Tris,_ I remind myself _. For Tris. Tris who's Divergent._

I shouldn't even be _thinking_ the word in front of Eric. I wonder how he'd feel if he found out there was a Divergent in his own year who he never found out about.

"Well, I was actually was hoping you wouldn't say anything to the other leaders about it. Please? You know that I'm not very cautious sometimes, and I was a little careless, but I was hoping you'd forgive me just this once," I say in my pleading voice. _His grin makes me sick._

"I messed up," I add for good measure, "It won't happen again, I promise. I'll try to be more careful in future."

"Hmm," he says, taking his time, lording it over me, and I know he's thoroughly enjoying thinking that I'm at his mercy, but it's the only way to get him to believe me.

"Well, I'll think about it Four," he says and walks of grinning, definitely thinking that my fate is in his hands. _What an idiot._

I hope— think that means he believes me. Truth is— I don't care whether he goes to the other leaders or not. They'll believe it was an accident. I just needed to grovel at his feet long enough to distract him from the fact that he knows I'm never careless. And that's done now. I take a deep breath and head back to dinner.

"Where were you?" asks Zeke as I slide into a seat beside him.

"Oh just finishing up some work," I say casually, biting into plum cake and feeling a great weight off my shoulders. _Tris is safe. At least for today._

I did a pretty good job back there. I don't know if I'm just naturally good at acting, or if years of hiding my real feelings from the world have given me enough practice.

* * *

A/N: That's why I love Four so much. He'll do anything for Tris.

Love,  
SilverStars


	18. Drunk- Part II

A/N: I'm sorry, once again for taking a huge break. I know, I know it's been a month since I updated this, but I wanted to write a chapter that I really like, and I wasn't in the headspace for that. Thank you all for waiting and for being patient, and here we go Tris Four action 101 inspired my some v real my life scenes. I really hope you like this one, cz I love it!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to Veronica Roth

* * *

 _Chapter 18-  
_ _Drunk— Part II_

The simulations go on.

She's stopped changing the simulation, she stopped after that first one, which means she either got the information she needed, or she figured it out herself.

Either way, now I don't have to coach her on how to hide her Divergence for the time being, something I incidentally could have done pretty well, since I did get pretty good at it during my own initiation.

Today, her fear is the same as yesterday, she's held at gunpoint and forced to shoot her family. And she doesn't.

"I know the simulation isn't real," she says when she wakes up, looking slightly embarrassed when she sees me watching her.

I know her enough by now to not be surprised. Tris doesn't like displaying weakness any more than I do.

"You don't have to explain it to me," I tell her. "You love your family. You don't want to shoot them. Not the most unreasonable thing in the world."

I want her to trust me, I want her to trust that I understand her, that I'm looking out for her, and not _judging_ her at every move the way she thinks I am, but she doesn't.

She doesn't trust easily, I think I can see that here, yet she loves her family so much that she would die for them, rather than shoot them.

She's like no one I've ever met. She's a mystery, but she's more than that, she— looking at her is like waking up.

I just wish she trusted me enough to ask me about Divergence, I wish she would let me open herself up to her, but that scares me and so every time, I push her away. Like when I yelled at her when I found out she was Divergent and I cut her off from asking questions that first day, and every time I've given her vague answers when she asks me about myself.

"In the simulation is the only time I get to see them," she says.

Yeah. The only time I see Marcus is in my simulations too, but I don't _get_ to see him, I have to, even though I'd much rather not.

"I miss them. You ever just… miss your family?" she asks. I survey her face, full of deep thought and accepted resignation with longing somewhere in the furrows, and she's looking at me expectantly for an answer to what should be a simple question.

I look at the floor. "No," I say. "But that's unusual."

Here I go with the vague stuff again.

She's looking straight at me when I look up again, and behind her eyes I can see a silent question. She stares at me, trying to figure something out, with those slightly raised eyebrows and a rare softness to her usually determined mouth, and I look away, because I can't, I can't look back at her and not feel what I feel for her.

I could never tell her anyways, I tell myself, my feelings for her would only put a target on her back with Eric, and I cannot have that.

But then she shifts ever so slightly and suddenly I'm looking at her again, taking it every curve of her face, staring right back and an invisible beam shoots between us. It's a challenge like the first time we sat across a table she challenged me, and this time _I_ will not be the one to look away. She is beauty at its best, she is power at it strongest, she is determination at its fiercest but she is also Divergent- she is Dauntless and Abnegation in one, a trait I know so well, a trait I see when I look in the mirror.

Then she looks away, and the connection breaks and she disappears down the hallway, leaving me to collect myself and call Christina in, wondering all the time how I know her so much about Tris, yet don't know so much about her yet.

I need to go give the rankings to the initiates in the evening. Tris's name is in the first slot, I almost consider changing it so that she's off the spotlight in case Eric— but then the other initiates would realize.

Which brings me to dwell on the fact again that Eric has completely laid off interfering with the training. The last time he even looked at me was four days ago when I gave him the best gloating opportunity for the rest of his life, and he hasn't even used that once.

Something big is coming. Eric doesn't miss an opportunity to make my life miserable unless his life is in danger. I've been hearing whispers at the leader's table and but I know that they haven't gone through a single one of the simulation recordings, because nobody has even asked me for the access password yet. Last year, they made us— me included—screen all the footage multiple times to weed out even the slightest abnormality, because 'Erudite was developing their serum'. And I played along, pretending I didn't see the lie in there.

If they're not looking at simulations, they might be finding another way to hunt Divergents.

And I saw Jeanine Mathews' car parked outside the compound while I was in the control room yesterday.

I try to push thoughts of Eric and his Erudite chums out of my mind. There's no point worrying about them until I can get more proof or more details on what they're up to.

I quietly hang up the rankings and leave the dormitory before they get back for dinner.

I just don't want to see Tris right now. I think about us staring each other down and all I wanted to do was reach out and tell her how I feel about her, but a deep ache spreads through me at the thought of what I can't do or say. If I'm going o protect I need to put my feelings for her aside, and that is something I should have realized a long time ago.

Avoiding Tris works for exactly one hour.

I'm third wheeling Shauna and Zeke again tonight when we hear noises from the control room.

"What's going on in there?" I ask.

"How does it matter?" asks Shauna lazily, clinging on to Zeke's shirt. "Some stupid initiates doing some stupid shit."

"You know Eric would kill me if some stupid initiates did some stupid shit," I say, walking down the hallway, while Shauna realizes that I'm serious and follows me, dragging Zeke behind her.

It's Uriah playing with plastic pellet guns, Marlene and Lynn. And Tris. I don't look at her.

"I thought I heard something in here," I say.

Zeke and Shauna both stiffen up at the sight of their little siblings, and I suppress a laugh.

"Turns out it's my idiot brother," says Zeke. "You're not supposed to be in here after hours. "Careful, or Four will tell Eric, and then you'll be as good as scalped."

I throw him a 'really?' glance as I step aside to let them move out.

Uriah makes a face and chucks his gun on the floor.

"You wouldn't tell Eric," says Lynn at the door.

I roll my eyes. "No, I wouldn't," I reply.

And then Tris is passing me and I can't hold back any more, I want to touch her, so I do. As she passes me, I rest my hand on her back to guide her out, nothing I wouldn't have done if she was just another initiate, but it sends a shiver through me.

She follows the others out and I start to too, but then all logic goes out the window. "Wait a second," I call out.

She turns around, and now I forget why I called out in the first place, but then something tells me that I want to say _something real_ to her.

I look at her slowly, taking her face in. She looks like she's hovering somewhere between lost and following the light and the end of the tunnel that shows her the way. I get it. She came first. Her friends wouldn't be too happy, Christina practically radiates ambition and it was especially hard to miss that after she took the flag at the game.

I can't tell Tris how I feel about her, but I can tell her how I feel about this.

"You belong here, you know that?" I say quietly. "You belong with us. It'll be over soon, so just hold on, okay?"

I look away, unsure of what I just said. Tris's presence is like alcohol in a way, she brings out a different side of me, one that I'm completely unfamiliar with. But maybe, one that I like.

I smile a little and she smiles back at me tentatively. We're staring each other down again, just like earlier today, and this time I'm about to look away, because I can't, I can't, I will end up telling her everything and I can't have that.

And then out of nowhere, she reaches out and takes my hand, interlocking our fingers. And my heartbeat skyrockets, just like when I was up on that Ferris wheel but this feeling is as good as that was scary.

I look at her, and she looks back, and there's that connection again, that invisible beam of electricity in the space between us. It's like we didn't even have to look to find it again. And I can't open my mouth to speak, but I don't want to. I want us to stay this way for a long time.

But she pulls her hand away, and runs down the hallway after Uriah, Lynn and Marlene— her light at the end of the tunnel for today.

I don't know if she was looking for comfort or guidance or reassurance when she took my hand or if it was a thank you for reaching out or if it was pity or—

I just know that I felt something, and maybe she took my hand because she felt it too.

And that hope carries me off to sleep, even though I should be hoping that she _doesn't_ like me back, because if she does, it will only make it all the more harder for me let go, because this, if this even exists— might ever exist— can not happen as long as Eric is here.

It feels strange to think about the fact that I was going to leave to be factionless and maybe at some point during the first stage I thought she might get cut to be factionless too. That was before I decided the other initiates also needed my protection, but I still can't help but point out to myself that she's one of the top initiates now, which means she and I both, we're stuck in Dauntless as long as she wants to be here.

* * *

A/N: 'she brings out a different side of me'; My heart just melted, now I'm gonna go eat cake before writing the next chapter!

Love,  
SilverStars


End file.
